A difficult surrender
14 December 08
Often in blogging, it’s easy to note the highlights of an otherwise mundane life and give the impression that we’ve always got things in order and each day is full of sparkling adventures. The truth is that life swoops up and down, and I’ve been struggling a lot within myself recently.
I’m seeing pregnant women everywhere. It’s a side-effect of being pregnant or just wanting to be.
Calista is rapidly approaching the nine-month mark, which has — going from past experience — been the magic time for starting a new baby. This time, as with the other girls, I start becoming clucky at about six months, and it grows into an obsession until my desire is satisfied.
However, with this baby, something is different. David would like to delay having other children, and as he’s pretty important in the scheme of things, I have to respect that. I strongly feel that the 18-month gap is perfect, and a delay would obviously make that impossible. So we disagree. But I have to submit to David.
And it’s a difficult surrender. I have been praying for months that God would either change David’s mind or take away my desire, and it doesn’t appear that my (unselfish, I thought) prayer has been answered. But I have fully submitted my will to God’s plan in this matter and will wait for David’s cue.
In the meantime, I struggle daily with the obsessive desire, and (sigh) seeing all those other pregnant women!