Bribery and conscious parenting
10 October 15
In an unconscious moment, I resorted to bribing one of my daughters. “If you clean up, I’ll hang the dreamcatcher where you want it,” I said. Without turning her head, she looked at me sideways and casually drawled, “That sounds like something another person’s mother would say.”

My motivation was all wrong in the first place. I was feeling pressured to clean up by a voice in my head who wanted to impress someone outside our family. As I was not feeling good about it, I was trying to pass the physical responsibility to someone else. Unconsciously, I located a weakness in my daughter’s world and sought to exploit it. Nothing about that self-analysis is good, and I’m thankful that I was saved from my own actions by my enlightened daughter.
It’s amazing and encouraging and terrifying when my children call me out on the unconscious impulses that still regularly slip past my tongue. I’m amazed that they inhabit a state of being where they can recognise a reaction and not take it personally. I’m encouraged that I must be parenting in a good way most of the time so that an anomaly is obvious. And I’m terrified to discover that I’m still regressing into unconscious parenting.
Our democratic societies have long recognised that bribery is wrong. Adults accept that bribery is not part of a healthy relationship. We do not put up with law-makers or leaders who accept or offer bribes. So why is it still perpetuated at the first level of interpersonal relationships — those we have with our children?
Bribing a child takes away their opportunity to develop intrinsic motivation. Instead — like rewards — it creates a potentially addictive scenario where children learn to behave according to external responses. I know that I don’t want my daughters to be dependent on others to validate their behaviour. Even if a couple casual bribes is not going to taint a child’s life, I’d rather err on the side of not bribing instead of one little bribe won’t hurt!
A parenting offering bribes is also delivering the message that the child must be motivated to be good because they’re not inherently good on their own (hello, Christianity). I’d prefer my children to find their own self-motivation for positive behaviour — I can only do this through modelling it, actively witnessing their actions and encouraging every growth as it happens.
Any attempt at manipulating a child’s behaviour is also delivering the message that the desired behaviour must be unpleasant enough on its own. Is tidying up unpleasant? Sometimes I think so, and sometimes I enjoy it. I’d like my children to tidy up when they’re happy to do so. It’s much nicer to live with a pleasant attitude in mess than with turmoil in a spotless space. If I’m determined to inhabit that spotless space while keeping my family peaceful, I’m the only one responsible to bring that into being through consistently and happily tidying up.
Conscious parenting requires maintaining a generous frame of mind towards our children. We accept that they will have seasons of growth, hibernation and regression. We allow that they won’t always want to behave as we would like them to, as we have been taught and pressured. We offer them the freedom of individuality and accept that their values and priorities and motivations will be different to our own.
I’ve discovered that communicating my vulnerabilities to my children gives them the opportunity to respond — in love or in indifference. My critical part is to not take their actions personally.
The best conscious alternative to my recent bribery attempt would be to expose my thoughts so my daughter could see that 1) I felt vulnerable and wanted to impress an outsider, 2) I thought a cleaner space would do that, 3) I didn’t actually want to do the actual cleaning up, and 4) it’s clear that I can identify numerous things that my children would like me to do and I’m still possibly withholding some of them for future attempts at manipulation.
After talking it all through — apologising, giving her the word “bribery” as an identification for that kind of behaviour, clarifying that it’s not a healthy way of relating at any level and exposing my own emotional baggage — I rephrased my request. “I’d like you to clean up. And I know you want me to hang the dreamcatcher for you. Let me know when you want it done.”
There, that’s clear. She knows what I want, and she is also completely free to choose to respond — or not. I have offered to give her what she wants, and at the same time my actions are not dependent on hers. Her motivation to respond to me will be built on the foundations of our relationship prior to this moment, because really, children want to please their parents, as we all seek to please those we love.
Now that I’m not making my service conditional, my attitude has completely changed. I no longer feel the unconscious weight of trying to impress someone else, and I’m also possibly feeling motivated to clean up her mess. Or not. I’m free too. :)
1 · Amandarose · 11 October 2015, 00:00
So lovely to see you blogging again- I was looking at your pictures the other day and noticed a foldable kayak – awesome- got me googling and now I have found a fold up boat!
I to occasionally slip into bribing – it does not feel good and I am always dissapointed in myself for it.
2 · Jennifer · 11 October 2015, 09:06
I don’t often bribe, but my hubby does. The other day my 4 year old tried to bribe me & it didn’t sound very good. . I realized how icky it must sound to her. . .anyway, good thoughts, Lauren – the beauty you are giving to the future through your girls. . . Thank you.
3 · Mary Kay · 14 October 2015, 09:55
Many a day I don’t feel like going to work. My work however bribes me with pay ;)
But I get the point you are trying to make, however don’t beat yourself up about it. We all do it.
Clean your room and we can go out and play was my Mums.
Pretty sure we weren’t harmed!
4 · Mary · 15 October 2015, 03:06
Lauren,
I cannot tell you on how many levels this is thoroughly contemplated and wonderfully lived into existence. This is beautiful parenting.
From something I read this morning . . .
“The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.” Carl Jung
Deepest Blessings,
Mary
You might enjoy Richard Rohr’s daily contemplations from his Center for Action and Contemplation website. The above quote from Jung was on his meditation for today.
https://cac.org/richard-rohr/daily-meditations
5 · Amanda Grace · 19 October 2015, 14:26
This is a wonderful reminder to always be present in the moment and to to try to always be consciously parenting. Thank you for sharing!!
Also, are you still doing the bumper stickers? I would love one if you are! I messaged you on facebook. Thanks :)6 · annie · 2 November 2015, 15:38
I wanted to go back and read some previous posts but the previous button I clicked to do so seems to be missing now. Not sure if glitch on my end or the sites but I figured I’d let you know. :)
7 · Bernard Faulhammer · 2 November 2015, 15:51
Not any comment about your parenting style, but with respect you don’t understand true Christianity as shown by just referring to one link. People are broken, even those who come out of homes where parenting has been good because we are not robots as humans. True Christianity means God loves me and that makes turning to Jesus possible. He accepts me as I am, not to leave me as I am. Change is never linked to my identity or value as a Son or Daughter of God. It’s rather a process of becoming a complete human being who looks like Jesus. So the motivation is not carrot and stick, and comes by his Holy Spirit who works in me. More reliable than just human nature.
8 · Annamatrix · 31 August 2016, 12:52
She grew up in a christian boarding school, the parent of missionaries to/in Africa, Bernard. She understands as well as you and I what true Christianity is. She just sees things from a different place, as do you (and I).
This is the first post that you have had the comments still open on, Lauren, that I could leave a message to. I’ve spent the past month and a half starting at the beginning of your posts (1997 letters!) and working my way forward, to this point. It’s been a LOT of reading!!
While we both came out of Christianity and for many of the same reasons, we each headed in opposite directions… and at the same time, there’s so much of myself that I see in you.
Then again, you have been seriously challenging my thinking in so many areas, helping me to re-evaluate my parenting, while showing me a world vastly different from (and at the same time, in many ways relatable to) my own.
I had to comment and thank you for your candid posts. They’ve really been amazing, start to finish. Am going to keep at this, until I catch up to your ‘present’.