A 6yo's poor self-image
4 July 14
It makes me weep. Despite all my best efforts, despite my deliberate releasing of my own long-held ideas of beauty in conformity, despite our great variety of friends who model a range of beauty styles with confidence, despite all this — one of my girls is shackling herself with poor self-image.
In the past, Calista hasn’t cared much about what her hair looked. She’s been happy to cut it for herself when she felt it was getting too long, and she certainly didn’t care what others thought about her natural hair’s state! In short, she wasn’t affected by others’ opinions and simply lived life as a happy little girl.
And then it started. She started listening to what others thought. A friend told Calista that she didn’t need to have her hair separated in order for it to form dreadlocks (true, but it looks more messy), so Calista removed the elastics. But she still didn’t want to brush it.
My main issue with Calista’s hair really has nothing to do with her. It’s always what others think — of her, of me as her mother, of the perception of being neglectful. In this matter — society’s idea of acceptable beauty — I am clearly still lacking the self-confidence to stand up for my children’s autonomy without caving in to peer pressure.
So I talked with Cali about her hair. I asked her if I could “fix” it. It took about a month of gentle nagging, but then she acquiesced.
I was happy. She was happy. Life went on.
When we were at the Rainbow Gathering in Tasmania this February, I was serving at the food circle when two separate people gave me the heads-up that Brioni had cut Calista’s hair. Mentally prepared, when I saw Calista, I greeted her with love and affection and remarked positively on her new style.
Over the last months, as Calista’s hair has gotten longer again, I’ve fallen back into the pattern of subtle nagging. I ask if I can cut it again, I ask her if I can brush it, I ask her when she’s last brushed it, and I offer her hats to hide the mess.
Then another — older — girl made particularly cruel remarks about Calista’s hair. In response, Cali started hiding behind hats and hoods, allowing only her family and close friends to see her with her head uncovered.
My heart has broken for her. She’s just six!
When I started writing this post about Calista’s hair and her sudden awareness and self-consciousness around it, I thought I was detailing how one jealous girl’s remark about Calista’s mid-length hair — how it’s an ugly cut and makes her look like a boy — could transform a bright six-year-old into an image-obsessed shadow.
However, in detailing the chronology of events, I’m suddenly aware of my own part in Calista’s formation of her opinion that her hair isn’t good enough! Ugh! I have been subtly poisoning her against herself! I have been teaching her and her sisters that others’ opinions are more important than one’s own self-esteem!
So, my six-year-old has a poor self-image. I’m aware of this now. I’m going to stop blaming the little girls who made the unkind remarks that contributed to Calista’s poor opinion of herself. I’m going to start listening once again to what I’m saying and examine my own actions around my children — especially as I talk about the girls to others.
In this I am fully culpable. Let me continue to wake up to my own insecurities before I inadvertently pass others on to my daughters.
I hope it’s not too late. By changing myself now, perhaps I can redeem Calista’s self-worth and build her back up into the extraordinarily happy-go-lucky fairy she has previously been. I must be the change I wish to see in her.
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1 · Amandarose · 11 July 2014, 09:29
I don’t think you have done anything wrong – I see you as encouraging neater hair is a gift- You remind me of my own mother and I also had feral hair as a kid- The teasing and the pressure not to let that matter did more damage to me then conforming. I stuck to my unconventional guns in order to impress my mother until I was 18 and left home for Uni.
making kids feel pressure not to conform, to not care is actually another form of pressure – don’t grief for your Dr’s new knowedge of public oppinion – just get her a nice hair cut and accept this matters to her.
You care about appearance – hence the dreads and clothes to signal your alternative bent on life- That is ok but remember it is just another way to conform- to “hippy” society. Our appearance is important – it is an outward reflection of who we are. Maybe your little girl who is older now and does not want stares, does not want pressure to be “ unconventional”. Feeling different to the rest of the world is a burden you don’t have to heap on your child. By all means travel, life your exciting life but don’t pressure your kids to feel they have to stand out like sore thumbs to be accepted by you.
2 · Gail · 11 July 2014, 09:49
Find a male, gay, hairdresser & let her spend time being pampered, fussed over, giggled with ….. will make her feel like a Princess. They just excel at doing this & I’m a big, insecure girl sometimes too, that occasionally needs some TLC. Stop beating yourself up. Solutions out there. p.s. your kids are gorgeous!
3 · Annie · 11 July 2014, 10:20
It could be that she struggles with identifying who she is in a world full of really individual people. She is surrounded by such love and support that sometimes when the rest of the world intervenes, it’s a little of a shock. Your girls are gentle souls, and are probably too young to hold the weight of the world like they do. Maybe talk to her and find out what she feels? Would she like to have her hair professionally done? What about collaborating with you on a lovely hair band? Maybe she could take classes from a friend who cuts hair so she feels more confident taking care of her own hair? She’s on the cusp of becoming a young woman, and most of all, she needs your support, listening ears, and lack of judgment going forward. Remember your own childhood-being a woman is hard work.
4 · Jennifer F. · 11 July 2014, 13:36
Oh Lauren! I feel your pain across the pond! She is such a beautiful girl – they ALL ARE! (From what I’ve seen, they get it from their momma :) )
I think the fact that you “get it” and are keeping up with her emotions are key. Even if you have added, yourself, to the very thing you are trying to avoid. ..what parent, Lauren, has not been guilty of that!?!
You are amazing, Lauren! So insightful, creative, loving, giving! If all mothers were half of what you have to offer, sister, the world would be so much better off!
Hugs to you! And a high five for a continuing job well done.
5 · Ben · 11 July 2014, 20:36
Sometimes there is nearly nothing one can do as the parent. I had body issues as a teenager, starting with the time during a shirts and skins flag-football game when I was skins, removed my shirt, and another boy (whom I had a crush on) said, “no whales allowed”. I remember examining my love handles in the mirror that afternoon as a 12 year old, thinking the difference between his lean body and my chubby one, and I am not sure I have ever recovered, even as an adult man with a six pack I still don’t like what I see in the mirror.
My mother would affirm that I was in good shape and not fat every time I mentioned my self consciousness about my weight, she was perfect in supporting my self image, but for whatever reason my own unhappiness persisted. Sometimes there is not much one can do as a parent. Even looking back, despite my many ideas of how she or my dad could have done certain things better, I am not sure what they could have done to help me with this one.
6 · Zanne · 14 July 2014, 13:44
Hair is a tough one. My daughter is African and has the super curly hair which can display a really rockin afro. the problem is that adults (mostly strangers) are constantly touching her hair. I’ve taught her to stay calm and be direct in telling (not asking) people not to touch her hair. as a result of all this un asked for attention, she hates her curls. she’s asked for me to make her hair long and “floppy” like mine. as that can’t be achieved without chemicals, we’ve compromised. I put her hair in many small braids with brightly coloured yarn extensions. she now has long, “floppy” hair in rainbow colours and people aren’t touching her head any more. of course since we’re using colours everyone comments, but we can deal with that. it’s a relief to see her enjoying her hair. don’t be afraid to gently and openly discuss hair with your girl. sooner or later both of you will find something that makes her happy with her beautiful hair.
7 · concerned · 16 July 2014, 16:20
Please teach your daughters how to groom themselves. I work in under privileged schools where we have to teach the kids how to wash themselves, brush their teeth, take care of their hair etc before they start their day. So sad to see your little one in a similar state. Shampoo, dreds, nopoo (shampoo free, nothing to do with poo… unfortunate name but a great hair care method that suits many) all require some work with the hair to distribute the scalps natural oils. Please please please teach this to your kids. You pay for your dreds to be done, if she wants them then treat her fairly and get them done for her. Neglected hair will only lead to tears from knots, rashes, infections and lice.
8 · C · 17 July 2014, 02:06
I think its ok for her to care about how she looks. Caring about her appearance doesn’t equal low self-esteem. YOU are putting that label on her. I think its lovely she is concerned about self-care. Wanting a specific hair style is just a preference. Like wearing all red. I’m not sure what self-esteem has to do with any of this. And I don’t think this is your fault. Its just her and what she cares about right now.
9 · Katherine · 22 July 2014, 13:52
Maybe she just wants to look pretty like her mom? Why not take your girls with you when you have your hair done and let them have that privilege too. They’d love it. I’m not a girly-girl really, but I enjoy going to the salon every few months. My girls are realty different from me, I just let them be who they are. Esteem comes from feeling of power over yourself don’t you know. Live their journey and dreams, even if it’s different from your own, huh,?