Rubbing away the black
1 September 13
Last year I was given a lump of heavy black rock in exchange for my husband and our son.
Each day I handle the sooty mass, and the darkness rubs off onto me as I turn it over and look for glimmers in the sunlight. When I take the black that is now on my own hands and wash it away, it means that’s a little less to rub off onto me in the future. The more that I seek the tiny glimmers, the easier they are to find.
Often I have to show this rock to someone else. “Here,” I say, rubbing it fiercely, uncovering the glints. “Look at the way the light shines off it!
“I know there’s more diamond underneath,” I insist. “I can’t see it right now, but I know there’s got to be more hidden under the black.”
The rock weighs a tonne. No one else can carry it for me, but I’ve gotten used to the added load. Sometimes I see others carrying a similar rock. “Hey,” I call, “I’ve found some goodness! Maybe yours contains hidden beauty too.”
You see, this rock that I was given is a jewel. Tiny facets are beginning to show, and I know that I can share my treasure with whomever I meet. But first I have to find the energy to rub away some more black.
(Image taken from here.)
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1 · India · 2 September 2013, 09:18
What a powerful imagery! Thank you for sharing yiur journey and your courage.
2 · Anneke · 2 September 2013, 09:19
Hugs … You write with such depth, i thank you for your raw honesty that touches so many lives.
3 · Evon · 2 September 2013, 09:57
Continuing to send you and family plenty of positive, peaceful and loving energy….LOVE….E
4 · Marcy · 2 September 2013, 11:07
Sending your family love from Seattle.
5 · annab3ar · 2 September 2013, 11:09
my heart still weeps for you, but sometimes the tears are happy ones.
6 · Tori · 2 September 2013, 12:07
I’m praying for you Lauren. I don’t even know if your into that anymore. You’re coping so wonderfully well. You’re a beacon of hope to your daughters and others who are bereaved. I came across your blog for something so hilariously trivially unrelated but it’s opened up a world of possibilities. Shine on, Lauren.
7 · Jeanie Gullage · 2 September 2013, 12:20
Lauren you amaze me your strength courage and wisdom you are an inspiration may you and your girls live every day in in peaceful splendor hugs to you all xoxoxo
8 · Leisa · 2 September 2013, 12:27
I hope you feel the love that is reaching out to you all over the country Lauren. I think of you and the girls daily. You are a real blessing to my life even though we have only met briefly. I wish there was more I could do to be a blessing to you the way you have been to me.
9 · Sarah Mackay · 2 September 2013, 16:51
Joining you in the rubbing off of the black … hugs friend.
10 · Laura Mayne · 2 September 2013, 22:29
What an amazing entry Lauren….such powerful and beautiful imagery, and extremely insightful.
xx
11 · Michelle De Rooy · 3 September 2013, 07:23
It is not an easy life at times but with God by your side, He will comfort you and sustain you all. Thanks for your insights.
12 · miller · 10 September 2013, 01:45
What a short, deep post. God gives his hardest battles to his toughest so(u)lders, and I am incredibly sorry for your loss. If it happened to me, I would curl up into the fetal position and likely stay that way. You are a beautiful woman with a beautiful family. You are growing into such a deep, thoughtful, caring individual and I wish you luck as you continue down your journey.
13 · Lana · 22 September 2013, 23:35
You are the CRAZIEST. Person I have ever read about. Your son is dead, killed by his father, and youre delusional to think that that was an act of God.
Your girls need counselling after a tragedy like that. You are a stupid mother if you think they will be ok.
I have no issues with your nomadic lifestyle. I do have issue with a father KILLING his son and the rest of the family going about like it never happened, or that it was a tragic accident. It was murder.
Get your kids and yourself some help, professional or just stop and speak with a pastor. Your girls are young innocent and they need help to understand what has happened. And you ignoring the issue is only going to make it worse in the long run.
Please get some help…. For your daughters
14 · Lana · 22 September 2013, 23:43
Are you KIDDING me?? You thought it would be ok to just leave your girls with strangers. I hope none of your daughters are abused or assaulted.. Your lack if we’ll common sense makes me think it’s probably already happened. Shame on you. You must be the shittiest mother for doing that. And pushing them into swimming after thier brother died the same way. Your girls are on the road to a nervous breakdown.
Prostitution and drugs too from the way you neglect them.
Enjoy France, I hope your kids are smart enough to turn you into the police one day.
15 · Amandarose · 23 September 2013, 07:49
Dear Lana in the above comment- Is it really constructive or necessary to lecture Lauren on her parenting and coping strategies based on a blog. It is ridiculous to speculate about her childcare and state of mind when we don’t know her, her situation or how it feels to be Lauren.
I personally wish Lauren a healing and wonderful break from her parenting duties and Ii hope she returns energised to face the next year with all it highs and lows.
It blows my mind that people are so insensitive to others feelings they will offer unsolicited nasty advice based on a few blog entries about someone you do not know. There is more then one way to parent successfully and as long as your kids and fed loved and protected they will be fine. It adds to the diversity and colour of mankind.
Have a wonderful journey Lauren
16 · Kaelen · 25 September 2013, 09:44
To Lana, Lauren went on a holiday to get away from everything for awhile. She didn’t go ‘oop gotta go kids bye!’ Haven’t you been on holiday/vacation? don’t you think she deserves one after what she’s been through. Her children are in perfect care with people Lauren knows. She’s not careless, quit assuming she is.
17 · Patience · 8 October 2013, 07:04
Love this blog and love your gorgeous family!!
Just wanted to let you know there are some truly horrid people that I believe are stalking you online. They are posting photos of your precious children with the most horrid comments I have ever seen about an innocent child.
You should consider taking security measures to keep them off your social networking sites – it really is pathetic that anyone would stoop as low as them.
http://freejinger.org/forums/viewtopic.php?f=8&t=19315&start=240
18 · abba12 · 8 October 2013, 07:52
Hi Lauren, I’d like to get in contact with you if you wouldn’t mind – my email is abba12_the_first@hotmail.(nospam.)com – just take out the stuff in brackets, it’s simply to try and avoid trawling bots.
19 · Eleanor · 8 October 2013, 20:32
Patience. Perhaps it would be better to message Lauren privately instead of putting that web address on here and attracting even more people to it.
20 · Patience · 9 October 2013, 00:22
Why would I want to keep that link private? Lauren has plenty of people who love her and her blog and who would also object to the horrific things being said there. I highly doubt many people reading here would actually care to join in on such heinous conversation about a wonderful woman and her beautiful family.
Those women are very, very sick. Their criticism has actually stopped to making fun of her makeup and her sweet daughters appearance.
I believe these women know how wrong what they are doing is – they go to great lengths to make sure the members there don’t give direct links to blogs. This, of course, must be because they know how vile and perverse their so-called snarking is.
Lauren doesn’t hide behind broken links or fake usernames – she is authentic, raw, and unashamed — as she should be!!
I believe all fans of her blog should be able to see how disturbed this group of people is. I think it really says something about themselves.
21 · Eleanor · 9 October 2013, 08:52
Patience – I’m more curious as to how you even found that link, and seem to know so much about it ?
I never knew such a thing existed until you posted the link.
I imagine it is just people with too much time on their hands.
I agree its not nice but I have certainly read worse.
22 · Deborah Jane Peters · 9 October 2013, 10:31
Patience, I am on freejinger and I’ve never read anything horrific on there about Lauren or her daughters. I’ve never criticised Lauren wearing or not wearing makeup (?!) and I’ve never seen anyone criticise her daughters’ appearance/s.
Speaking of authentic, what you’ll find on freejinger is people actually debating the authenticity and nature of things in a forum that is not directly related to this blog. To discuss our concerns on this blog would be pointless trolling. That’s precisely why we’re not here.
It does make me wonder, however, what you are doing here? Perhaps you have an agenda?
23 · James Peters · 10 October 2013, 09:51
Deborah – it’s your husband. How dare you come online after I specifically told you that your horrible comments about people upset me and that I will not tolerate success behavior. If this continues, I am leaving and taking the kids with me. Your attitude is out of control and you need to focus on us instead of people you don’t know whose blogs you relentlessly check for updates. I don’t know what is wrong with you. Honestly.
24 · Deborah Jane Peters · 10 October 2013, 11:44
Dear Fictitious Husband,
Thank you for your concern. If you’re taking the children and abandoning me, I can only assuming that you are seeking righteousness and I will not stand in your way or try to stop you.
On the way back home, please pick up some bread and milk and maybe a new car. I don’t like our current one.
Also, when you have had enough of my self righteous ways and want to destroy our family, I will see it as a completely neutral event and won’t hold it against you.
Your Ever Loving Wife. XOXO
Patience, I guess you’re really upset about being banned from freejinger, huh?
25 · jimmy Peters · 10 October 2013, 15:58
Mom – it’s obvious you stopped taking your medicine. Don’t you remember what happened last time? Dad thinks you’re drinking again. I have to say, he might be right…
26 · Rachael · 11 October 2013, 03:13
Bloody hell, Lauren. Now they are posting pictures of your children and saying things about the bags under their eyes. Have these folks never heard of allergies? I agree with the commenter who said you should block non-friends from reading. By the way, I think your children are simply gorgeous and loved bloody well!!!
27 · Lucy · 13 October 2013, 16:21
I’m sure Lauren will update us soon on her childless holiday etc. After all, it was a hugely momentous thing for her to go to the other side of the world leaving behind all four girls for 2.5 weeks, so it would be pretty inauthentic for her not to address this here , and therefore not in line with her principles or walking in righteousness. I’m sending her love and light and trust that all will come good. Hoping she found what she was looking for with her well earned break xx
28 · Erin baumeister · 18 October 2013, 07:12
I love you lauren
29 · heidi · 23 November 2013, 11:15
beautiful xx
30 · Ann · 30 November 2013, 07:55
Lauren can’t close her blog to non-friends because that would not feed her narcissistic soul.
31 · Lesley Joy · 12 January 2014, 00:52
what an amazing analogy. my life is pretty sh t at the moment. I am going to find a chunk of coal to remind me to keep going. Thank you for your wisdom