Outlasting
17 February 13
So much of conscious parenting is maintaining a higher energy level than that of our children. It’s outlasting the child’s bad mood or tantrum without letting it affect our own level of righteousness so that we continue to respond in a godly manner.
It’s tempting to want to stop a child from tantruming, from screaming, from declaring that they hate the world and all that is wrong with it. However, I feel that venting is healthy, and so all I can do is offer myself and my love to our children when they feel angry with the world.
I don’t want to set limits on my love and affection. I don’t want to push my child away because I am distressed by her behaviour. Instead, I want to embrace her in love and fill her up when she is emotionally empty of good things.
Instead of trying to shush my child, I remind myself that the noise does not have to be distressing, and I do not need to make her calm down. She will calm down when she is calm, and if I can remain peaceful, I’ll lend her my own aura of calmness to help speed the process.
It’s hard to separate myself from my children’s negative emotions. It’s difficult to not let her stress me. But if I can — when I do — then I am in a much better position to raise her to a higher level sooner.
A soft answer turneth away wrath: but a harsh word stirs up anger.
The more I can outlast our girls, the better an example I offer. This year, I’m intent on outlasting each tantrum, outlasting each bad mood, outlasting the anger and the fighting so that we return to a peaceful household sooner.
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1 · amber · 22 February 2013, 15:36
Wow. I think you were talking directly to me!
This is something I am struggling with right now. And you are so right!
“Instead of trying to shush my child, I remind myself that the noise does not have to be distressing, and I do not need to make her calm down. She will calm down when she is calm, and if I can remain peaceful, I’ll lend her my own aura of calmness to help speed the process.”
How often we forget that we too stress and have to calm down in our own time!
Thank you for this post! It was much needed today!
2 · nathalie · 22 February 2013, 19:38
It is very hard to not let it stress you out! Something I am working on staying calm through the storm of tantrums!
3 · Mark · 22 February 2013, 22:05
Being calm and focused when my kids are Losing the Plot is something I want to be able to do.
Consistently… (who am i kidding?)
It does take a lot of energy.
It does.
(rubs brow. sips wine)
4 · MAUREEN · 23 February 2013, 04:41
Oh Lauren—have you been in my home lately? Thank you so much for this post. What a great perspective and one I am going to keep in mind as I try to “outlast” my 3 little ones :) Thank you for sharing xox
5 · Clair · 23 February 2013, 22:13
This is an awesome post!
I absolutely agree and you’ve encouraged me to try this out also.
It is just to easy to get frustrated and impatient and this post makes me question what lesson my children will take from my responses!
Thank you so much x
6 · Desiree · 24 February 2013, 01:31
I so needed to read this! Thank you, Lauren!
7 · Jennifer Dougan · 25 February 2013, 04:52
“Outlasting” and striving to have God’s strength and gentleness as my children walk through their emotions and angst…. yes, this resonates with me, Lauren. Thanks.
Have a lovely week!
Jennifer Dougan
www.jenniferdougan.com
8 · Laura · 26 February 2013, 03:28
OH THANK YOU for this. How I needed to read this— it is so easy to let it affect you, to affect ME at 2 am when I am exhausted— but i must be an example.
9 · Miranda · 26 February 2013, 04:58
I agree. When a child is sad and stressed, hugging her and letting her vent is the only option as a parent. However when your child tantrums, screams, acts out in an aggressive way while you just sit there, I fear that will only create an adult who doesn’t respect the boundaries of other people.
I have family who were raised in a very similar style to what you described above. It hasn’t turned out so well for them. They are selfish and demanding adults. They lash out because they only can see their emotions. It’s upsetting to be around people like that.
And on the flip side, what if modeling such passive behavior to your girls creates a woman who takes screaming and abuse from others?
I think it’s Important to teach your girls that their emotions are valid and real, but so are the emotions of those around them. Is it really fair to let a three year old twist in the wind emotionally and not throw them a rope to get out? Is it fair to allow yourself to be the brunt of screaming and aggression? Don’t you want to show that YOU are important and don’t deserve being screamed at?
What you are saying is lovely, I just don’t think it will create teens or adults who are mindful of others.
10 · Leah · 26 February 2013, 06:29
I am a little confused by this post. I understand “outlasting” a temper and that’s a good way of phrasing it but do you ask your child what might be bothering them? And why it makes them feel that way?
We just experienced our first meltdown the other day and I felt overwhelmed and helpless. Are you suggesting to wait it out calmly without talking to them and just let them sort through their feelings on their own?
11 · A · 26 February 2013, 09:53
Leah, you can help them finds words to express themselves during it and offer yourself as a calm loving presence showing them that although the big emotions scare them, you’re not scared, but there’s not going to be any rational talking during. Afterwards you can listen and explore their feelings.
Lauren, is everything and everyone OK? A rushed flight and a hotel in Ipswich makes me nervous.
12 · Meegs · 27 February 2013, 01:26
Thank you so much for this. It was perfectly timed.
13 · KL · 25 July 2013, 10:27
I pretty much agree. I don’t let my children’s mood determine mine. If they are having a tantrum over their own frustrations, I prefer to teach them to take a deep breath and approach the problem from a different angle. I don’t want them to dwell on the negative but instead look ahead to the positive. But sometimes, you just need to scream, fuss & cry (self included)! Whining is annoying and I don’t tolerate that well at all.
That said, there is a time & place for everything. Because my child is having a “moment” isn’t an excuse for others to have to endure it as well. In that case, they (child) need to learn to respect those around. When they’re little, that means taking them outside to calm down, distracting them quietly, etc. When they are older, it’s just a “look” that we give them so they know that they need to find a quiet place to compose themselves. It is a true act of love for others when we are considerate of their feelings and sensibility. Empathy & emotional IQ are very valuable life lessons :) It makes me feel pleased when my large family is in a public place and strangers come up to us and comment on how sweet, well behaved, polite and respectful my children are. And they don’t do it out of fear, they do it out of self respect and respect for those around them! Love.