Sleepless after death
13 January 13
My sleeping is still disrupted, seven months after Elijah’s death. I wonder how long my body will keep reminding me that something has changed, and when it, too, will adjust to the “new normal”.
My confession is not that I’m an insomniac, just that I am perpetually tired from too little sleep. Prior to June 2012, I had little trouble sleeping. I could sleep easily and often. Now I don’t.
My problem isn’t in falling asleep. Most nights I stay up so late playing with the girls, watching movies or listening to a story that I fall asleep while the session is still happening.
My problem is waking up. If something disturbs me if one of the girls cries from the cold, if someone kicks me, if the weather changes and rocks the bus then I wake.
And think.
At these times, it’s really difficult to fall asleep again, even if I’ve only had a couple of hours of sleep. Often I operate on only four or five hours of sleep.
But waking early does mean that I get to see beautiful sunrises as we travel across Australia. Like this one in Tasmania’s south:
Just recently, I’ve dropped my habit of sculling multiple energy drinks during the day, and so as my body adjusts to no caffeine and lower sugar levels, it fatigues. I’m thankful for each time I can enjoy a siesta in the middle of the day, for the days when Delaney curls up next to me and snores gently against the warmth of my body. These nana-naps revive me, and I’m finding this month that I need them more and more.
I’ve had friends talk to me about PTSD and the physical symptoms that can manifest after a trauma. Although I understand that there are sleep-aids that could give me better night’s sleep, I’m looking forward to the time when my body will have adjusted naturally and can put itself to rest.
In the meantime, I’m sleepless, like many other mourners around the world. We are joined together because of death, and so even in experiencing this temporary discomfort, I’m thankful for the connection it gives me with others and the insight it lends me in comforting others who mourn.
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1 · Ruby · 13 January 2013, 22:33
Once again aching for you. Strangely, after my own son’s death I remember falling into almost comatose sleep just from the exhaustion of it all. Being my first, I had no need to wake during the night but I was in a numb trance for a long time. It is great that you have given up the energy drinks. It will take time, but our bodies are fearfully and wonderfully made!
2 · K. · 13 January 2013, 22:45
6 weeks ago, I lost my baby after a 12-week-pregnancy. Ofcourse, that’s not the same and not nearly as bad as what happened to you, but I react very emotionally to things like that and I’m experiencing the same sleeplessness as you do.
My body can’t find any rest and while I fall asleep easily (I’m so tired), I also wake up very easily and I can’t get back to sleep after that.
Lately I’m only having 2 hours of sleep at night at the most. I feel I’m at my last breath.
I hope your sleeping will be better soon. It can be tiresome to have that little sleep.
Good luck to you and your family!
3 · Nola · 13 January 2013, 23:26
Now I am no health nut, but those energy drinks are going to stuff up your system. I have found that even anything but milk or water stops me from a decent night sleep anymore, and I have had no where near the amount of stresses in my life.
I find that when I can’t get back to sleep, it’s because my sub conscience is working overtime. I play an alphabet game in my head. E.g. Animals I have ever actually seen, names I would NEVER call my children, towns I have been to, starting with A. If I lose my place, I have to go back to A. It is amazing how this can completely take over your brain and stop the bad ‘rememberies’ from keeping sleep at bay.
Good luck.
4 · Sandy Westermann · 13 January 2013, 23:50
There are natural sleep aids, like melatonin, that can help your body as well. I understand though not wanting to take anything and let your body process things naturally. Sometimes the taking of something can waylay its return to normal.
5 · Jo Coburn · 13 January 2013, 23:55
Homeopathic aids to that work with your body like calm forte or try native remedies. Not sure if they ship down under but they list ingredients on their site so maybe you can find something similar. Bach flower essences too. Worth a try. I am inspired by your journey and pray for you often.
6 · Beth W · 14 January 2013, 01:22
I hear you saying you are happy to let sleep come back naturally. People are always wanting to give various substances to get me to sleep better at night. But I am easily affected and I worry that I wont be able to drive safely and wont be very alert at all if I medicate to sleep at night. One thing that helps me a little but I suspect may not work for everyone, is if I my mind is too actively thinking – I play relatively easy games on my iphone. It stills my mind like counting sheep but my mind is less likely to wander. However as it is still fairly dull and repetitive it doesnt keep me awake. The tricky bit is to remember to hold the phone over the bed so when I fall asleep it falls on the bed and not the floor :)
7 · A · 14 January 2013, 02:30
Lauren, I’ve had major depression several times in my life. There is a good reason for your depression, but you can still try to make your brain chemistry and body stronger so you’re better able to function alongside your grief.
I’d encourage you to try antidepressants. They don’t work for me, but they do for lots of people, and really help them.
Because I can’t take antidepressants I have to rely on other techniques to help me function. There are peer-reviewed studies showing that exercise helps. You need to do ten minutes non-stop of something moderately vigorous every single day. A brisk walk, vigorous car (bus) washing, treading water could all fit the bill. Diet helps, make sure you’re getting all the right things and less of the wrong things (this is the hardest for me).
Sleep is the other physical thing. What you need to do is be ultra-vigilant about sleep hygeine, to force your body into the day/night sleep/wake pattern. That means a rigid bedtime, no kipis for two hours before bed (the super bright lcd screen tells your brain its daytime), rigid wake time and nothing other than sleep in bed. When you wake up you get up. These are all very important, and they’re really well proven.
I struggle so much with the screen time thing. My kids sleep with me and I lie with them at bedtime, so my kipi has been glorious for those times, since I can’t read a paper book then. My solution has been to download audiobooks and podcasts to listen to (lots of libraries have audibooks you can download online). You could do the same, download audiobooks or podcasts and have no-screen time for the whole family fir a couple of hours before bed. Maybe an hour of crafts (A and B could learn to crochet!), then half an hour of reading aloud then turn out the light, turn on the audiobook or music or podcast and all go to sleep.
They also say to stop the naps as part of establishing better night time sleep. A couple of months ago I was deeply depressed and was napping for 2-3hours every afternoon. I finally managed to stop it and have been sleeping better at night ever since. Luckily my kids are in a controlled environment (v small house) and my youngest is five, so while it wasn’t ideal, we got through without mishap. Do your girls, especially Delaney, know how incredibly important it is to stay away from the handbrake and not to leave the bus?
While I’m commenting for the first time I should hand this along to you – I call it my “functionally fruitarian muesli”. I feed it to my vegan husband and picky preschooler to cover all their nutritional bases. The seeds in it are packed with things vegans miss out on, maybe Brioni would like it? I usually add a couple of tablespoon of nutritional yeast for the B12. And I leave out most of the fruit because they eat plenty of fruit through the day. I just put some dried blueberries in for sweetness and because they’re so full of antioxidants.
8 · A · 14 January 2013, 02:35
Oops! The recipe might have been useful! You can also toast it in the microwave, 2min at a time, about 5-6 min total.
I also mess with the flour, make half white and the other half something exotic that has more protein and vitamins in it. It needs to be floury, though, to make the clumps.
http://www.soulemama.com/soulemama/2010/12/a-week-of-elving-tuesday.html
Nut & Seed Granola
from Feeding the Whole Family: Cooking with Whole Foods by Cynthia Lair (shared with permission)
3 cups rolled oats
1/2 cup sesame seeds
1/2 cup sunflower seeds
1/2 cup pumpkin seeds
1/2 cup almonds, chopped
1 cup whole wheat pastry flour
1/2 tsp cinnamon
pinch sea salt
1/3 cup cold-pressed vegetable oil (we like to use coconut, though all wet ingredients need to be at room temperature to do so)
1/3 cup brown rice syrup or maple syrup
1/4 cup apple or orange juice (in a pinch, most other juices have worked for us too)
1 tsp vanilla
1/4 tsp almond extract
Preheat oven to 300degrees F. In a large mixing bowl, combine oats, seeds, almonds, flour, cinnamon and salt; mix well. In a separate bowl, combine oil, syrup, juice and extracts. Slowly pour wet ingredients over dry ingredients, using a spatula to fold and evenly coat the dry mixture with the wet. Spread on a cookie sheet or in a shallow pan and bake. Turn granola every 15 or 20 minutes so that it toasts evenly. Bake until granola is dry and golden (45-60 minutes). Store in an air tight jar.
9 · G · 14 January 2013, 02:48
Hi Lauren, I’ve never commented on your blog, but this posting prompted me to action. After my brothers death my sleep patterns went all over the map. Mostly not sleeping and when sleeping having nightmares. The thing that helped me the most was some really good grief counseling. It helped me talk out those thoughts that kept me up at night and to deal with them when they came at me unexpectedly. I was lucky and found a very good counselor. I recommend grief counseling above any other solution. Medicine and other treatments are short term. Grief counseling is for your life.
10 · Danielle · 14 January 2013, 04:11
You are such a special person, Lauren. Such a generous soul. And an inspiration. Wishing you sweet dreams.
11 · Erin · 14 January 2013, 06:00
Oh Lauren, {{}}
12 · Chantal · 14 January 2013, 06:51
Love to you Lauren, glad the energy drinks are gone.
Perhaps a little guided meditation could help you clear your mind and relax in the wee hours. Not sleep but nice and restful.
13 · Kate · 14 January 2013, 20:17
Funny you are posting this now. The past four days I’ve been thinking of you so much, perhaps reading about your sense of ‘running’ so far from home and Elijah. I worry about you, so far from any support people, four (beautiful) girls so totally reliant on you, and nowhere to ‘rest’. It’s been such a massive year for you (all), and being on the move you haven’t even been able to connect with a counsellor (I assume)… If there’s nowhere you want to stop and put roots down, for a while, maybe there’s one online?
I don’t know you, except through your (brave and beautiful) blogs, but I care about you. I hope that you can find somewhere with friends that you can chill for a while, maybe the girls could also have some time to make friends, homeschool group or some such… I don’t know… (Of course I don’t)… I just want to urge you to take a break, listen to your body… Rest. In some place that is ‘safe’… Let yourself grieve and let go of everything for a while… Have someone else mind the girls for the bulk of the time so you can process what’s happened and what’s happening now.
Please let this blow into the wind if it doesn’t resonate, and take no offence. I’m just wishing some release and relief for you xxx
14 · Lauren Fisher · 14 January 2013, 20:24
Kate,
Thank you for your concern.
While in Tasmania, we have been surrounded with friends old and new. Each week we spend several days in the company of those who know us and our story and occasionally we connect with new families who know nothing of our loss. My support people are spread out across the world, and so we travel from one open set of arms to another. It’s a lovely way to heal.
Love,
Lauren.
15 · Jesse · 15 January 2013, 02:15
Praying for you. No advice. Just praying for both physical and spiritual rest.
16 · chelsea · 15 January 2013, 08:44
hi sweet Lauren. I know so well what you speak of. Ever since Trek died 7 months ago I have had sleeping problems also. I have them opposite of you, I cannot fall asleep until the wee hours of the morning, but when I do it is wonderful sleep. I write this at 5am and still have not gone to bed. I too have accepted it as you have as part of my grieving process. Any time I have physical manifestations of my grief I am comforted, it is a reminder of the depth of my love for Trek. I am not as strong as you though and rely on soda and coffee a lot. thankfully Peyton and Conner have also started going to be a little later and sleep in with me. We are going through this as a family, I am so glad that you have your girls to comfort you and give you energy. You are an amazing mother. Sending you all my love. xoxo ,Chelsea
17 · linda · 16 January 2013, 14:35
Your photographs are beautiful. Awed by your ability to continue your adventure while caring for your beautiful children, but don’t do too much, you are allowed to break down if you need to.
Insomnia is probably not at all abnormal under the circumstances and cutting out caffiene (or reducing it) is a good idea. PTSD is also a strong possibility and I have no idea whether you’ve had psychological therapy but if your symptoms continue would encourage you to seek it. All the best.
18 · Mary · 19 January 2013, 02:01
Lauren, I am not sure what I may have to offer. Counseling is in my skill set. My area of emphasis is not grief however, PTSD is. I am not sure how blogging works, I assume the email I issued to post a comment somehow goes to your database. Feel free to email if you would like. Between homeschooling and work, I don’t get to your blog often but will intentionally check back in case my information does not go back to you and you would be interested in connecting. Either way, you are in my prayers . . . From the other side of the earth : ).
19 · LoriM · 19 January 2013, 07:30
Oh, dear Lauren; praying for some sweet rest for you…. and wisdom as you grieve and care for your girls <3
20 · Nicola · 19 January 2013, 19:47
You are an amazing woman, wishing you lots of love and strength – and sleep!
21 · Nat · 21 January 2013, 06:52
I too have grieved the loss of an unborn baby so can relate (just a little as i can only imagine the how mush more deeper, wider and longer the pain is to lose someone you have birthed, nursed and named) I know how hard it is to get restful sleep as well. Something that helped me i times of insomnia is to focus on this ‘Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest’ and speak it over my life throughout the day. Hoping you get some precious sleep soon!
22 · Uggbootdiva · 23 January 2013, 17:44
I use audio books, something soothing like “wind in willows” which obviously won’t make me think too much. It does result in weird dreams though…
good luck Lauren. Those early morning sunrises are very special though.
Take care.
23 · Liz · 5 February 2013, 15:34
Grief manifests differently in all people. Losing my father, brother (suicide) and unborn child within 2 years surely threw me into a malfunctioning sleep state! But – I can attest – it corrects itself… with time and patience.
I tried to relax and did one of three patterns to meditate myself back to sleep and STOP the circular negative thinking. 1. held my bent arm up at the elbow – and focused on that alone 2. counted backward with the number ‘appearing’ within a pleasant image or calming color burst 3. focused on keeping my eyes OPEN in the dark. Choose one, use it and in time, you wake up in the morning. I also found softly listening to appropriate binaural beats helped on my iPhone (tucked under my pillow).
Don’t worry – it doesn’t help =)