A gentle word
21 August 12
Although the great tide of love and support has retreated from the rocky shore of my life — whenever I feel tempted to believe that I am stranded above the high-water mark, a gentle wave of love reaches me. Today, a parcel from the United Kingdom blessed me beyond all measure, for it reminded me that I really am not alone, although it may appear to be that way.
I am thankful to the friends and acquaintances — close and afar — who have contacted me after hearing of Elijah’s death. Even a short word via email or card has demonstrated to me that we are in their hearts. Many write, “I don’t know what to say,” but the fact that they took the time to communicate is enough.
This is definitely something I can learn from and practice in my own life. I don’t want to put others in the same position I have found myself — awkward moments in public places when I have met up with old friends, and I have had to say “Have you heard our news?”
It’s even more awkward when the person says that they have heard about Elijah and David. After these encounters, I am left wondering about the years we gave towards these relationships — did we mean so little at the time, or are our present differences now greater than common courtesy?
However, rather than focusing on the hurt that I feel, I’m choosing to use these experiences to remind myself to send a word — a gentle word of love and support — to let the grieving ones know that 1) I have heard of the situation and 2) I care.
If these sad times continue to teach me how to love others properly, how to comfort the mourning and how to empathise with those who suffer loss, they are a good lesson. My challenge is to continue to demonstrate positive attributes so my girls learn from me without also having to experience such pain and sadness. Let my loss be their gain.
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1 · Sisterlisa · 24 August 2012, 05:11
((hugs)) Lauren,
I think sometimes people just don’t know how to respond. Death is such a difficulty for so many and the extra crisis of the situation you are experiencing is even more difficult for some people. xoxoxox
I don’t think it’s that they don’t care…they just don’t know HOW to care.
2 · Lauren Fisher · 24 August 2012, 05:19
Thanks, SisterLisa. Let us all learn how to care, then.
3 · Kim H · 24 August 2012, 06:08
Beautiful post, Lauren. I care:) I’m always thinking about you and the girls. Hoping and praying you’re all OK. xxxxx
4 · Hannah · 24 August 2012, 06:27
I read your blog often and think of you and pray for you most days so I suppose I should comment more often. From now on I won’t wait until I have something wise to say (could be waiting a long time) but will just say hello, I’m here, thinking of you. With love xx
5 · Lauren · 24 August 2012, 06:37
Thank you so much, Hannah, it’s so nice to “meet” the readers of my words and to learn more about others’ stories.
6 · Jenni · 24 August 2012, 07:44
You are loved, from afar, I recognize the writing on those gift tags and know the sender, I am lucky to know her, and also to know that blogging and the internet can link people with love who might otherwise never have met! Jen x
7 · Carolyn · 24 August 2012, 07:45
Hi Lauren, your family have been in my thoughts and prayers a lot since you lost your precious Elijah. I sent a package to you via one of the ladies running the fundraising page the week before the unfuneral and am hoping that it too showed you that you are not alone. It was a children’s picture book about heaven and I was worried it may come across ‘preachy’ to send something like that but it brought a lot of comfort to me after a miscarriage last year and I hoped the pictures of children playing together surrounded by rainbows would offer comfort. In times like this we may not know the right things to say or do but I hope even small efforts can speak to tour heart that others are carrying you in their prayers xo
8 · Mel · 24 August 2012, 07:48
I learned a valuable lesson here, this morning I’ve always believed that when you don’t know someone personally, our words of comfort would have little meaning and would be no more than ourselves trying to make US feel like we’ve done something to ease your burden, without actually doing so. I am pleased to have learned otherwise.
I will now say that even though I don’t know you, I have sat here and cried my heart out for you, especially when I saw those pictures of you holding Elijah after he died – even though I have not experienced that grief, I am a mother and just seeing the look on your face – I felt it – it fractured my heart knowing that you had to go through that.
I see you posting here with bravery, dignity and an admirable strength. I admire your love and compassion towards your husband even though I imagine at times that that would be the last thing you want to feel towards him – regardless of the circumstances.
If ever you find yourself in Newcastle again, feel free to look me up, we have a nature strip out the front that is just wide enough for a bus, and you would be more than welcome to park there and make use of our facilities. We know both Renelle and Karen who you have met, so you can suss us out via them if you like ;) :)
I look forward to learning more about love and grace and compassion from you – you teach those lessons oh so well.
9 · Paula · 24 August 2012, 08:00
You will probably never know this side of eternity how you have touched so many people. I was amazed the first time I read your post “the way of love” it really touched me, your willingness to love and forgive. I shared my thoughts with my grown daughters. We were all amazed and inspired to forgive more. Then when your little Elijah left you we all cried for your loss. We again discussed the importance of forgiveness. Your girls are darling and its so much fun to watch you enjoying life with them. Just wanted to say thanks.
10 · Bec · 24 August 2012, 08:21
Those bracelets are a beautiful gesture. If you can take lessons from life – in the good times and the bad – then you are a special person indeed. No, it’s not always easy, but you’re showing that the way you react to situations makes you the person that you are.
Your girls are lucky to have these lessons from you and the world that they live in. I know that if I ever, someday in the future, have my own children they will be taught much like your girls, as I can see how wonderful their experiences are.
There are a lot of people out there who care, and maybe sometimes they don’t always know how to express what they’re feeling. No one can understand why these people didn’t contact you to begin with, but I certainly like the idea what whilst this is hurtful, to focus on the good things and learn from these people’s reactions. You’re a special person Lauren. :)
11 · Heather · 24 August 2012, 08:37
I have been praying for you and your family since I heard about your sad news. I wish I could scoop you all into my arms and give you comfort. Sending love from New York.
12 · Beth · 24 August 2012, 10:26
I don’t know you and you don’t me. In fact I would never have found your website except for the tragedy that happened to you. But now I think and pray for you regularly and in return you give me many wonderful insights into life and are a great inspiration to me . A little good can come even from the most terrible things.
Thank you for being who you are.
13 · Donna · 24 August 2012, 12:38
I think of you and your family everyday. I come to visit your site everyday, not just to see how you are all fairing, but to gain ideas and motivation.
14 · Liz from America :) · 24 August 2012, 13:15
I am also one that wishes I could offer you more comfort than I can!
I also think of you all everyday. Besides the prayers I send up for you, you are the inspiration that made me take the plunge and become a dreadlock mama. Recently, I’ve really wanted to tell you what has happened in my life because of my dreadlock journey, mainly because I want to thank you. I would never have done it had I not found your blog.
I say all of this to say that you are an encouragement, and very dear in the hearts of so many.
Your family will always be on my heart and in our prayers! Hugs!
15 · Kim · 24 August 2012, 15:28
Lauren, you are an amazing person and inspiration to many. I read your blog and think to myself “what a wonderful testimony to our great God this woman is” I have for sure cried many tears for you and your sweet family. I am amazed at your strength and faithfulness. My prayers are with you the girls and David daily!
16 · Catherine · 24 August 2012, 20:28
Lauren, I’ve been ‘travelling’ with you ever since a mutual virtual friend of ours sent me a link about your unchurching thoughts. Since then I’ve shared your page with a few close friends of mine, too. I’ve been challenged and inspired by you/ your family, and I have continued to follow you since Elijah died and David has been gone. What a different world I live in than the world of 10 years ago! Today I count you as a friend, and your loss as a loss shared even though I’ve never met you in the flesh. Technology has changed relationships, yes and no. Yes, in the sense of increased connectedness in a technology sense, but no in the sense that we were sisters long before technology linked us. I desire to convey to you that I see a strength in you that must be beyond you. I am blessed to observe that you continue to write with clarity, freshness, honesty and the creativity that supports communicating effectively in a way that connects people’s hearts and minds to your story. I am strengthened – and I pray that God will make me strong today that I can face whatever grief or pain my life still holds for me. No matter if you ‘fall’, if you loose your sense of direction, or if you carry on strong and focused, you are not alone. You are carried. You are comforting others with the comfort that you have received. I think of Tennyson’s lines: “Speak to Him thou for He hears, and Spirit with Spirit can meet— Closer is He than breathing, and nearer than hands and feet.” I am sending you and your dear ones my love.
17 · G · 24 August 2012, 21:04
I wish you could know how much rainbow you have bought to my life. My children don’t know it, but they are grateful for some changes inspired by you <3
18 · Liz from Wisconsin · 25 August 2012, 03:04
(There is already a Liz from America, so I thought I had better be more specific :))
Just because we do not know OF each other does not mean we do not know each other, in my opinion. We are both mothers, wives, sisters, daughters, aunts, friends, etc. There is something very powerful about women that (most) all women can connect with… It is our deep desire to LOVE. Though all women have this desire, you are so blessed with the wherewithall to actually carry out your actions & words with the utmost love, like I have rarely seen in this world. As many, I’m sure, I came across your blog during the time surrounding your baby boy’s passing & I found myself suffering with you. Obviously not the same pain you felt but in the same manner that any mother would.
When you began this blog, to catalog your journeys for your children to look back upon as they got older, I doubt you had any idea the impact that you would have on the world. You have been a blessing to so many, all around our globe, with your courage & transparency in conveying your feelings & your struggles. The simplicity with which you view life is very, very Christ-like.
Though I may never know you in person, I am grateful that God led me to you via blog. I pray for all of you to find peace & joy in each day.
19 · Delcie · 25 August 2012, 06:59
Love you Lauren!
20 · Megan casey · 25 August 2012, 12:03
Lauren, I to was at a loss for words at the death of your sweet boy. I know how special your children are to you so I had to reach out. Anyone who has followed your family could see the love and care you and David have for children. I wonder daily after your husband, you , and your girls. I pray that our Father brings you all peace, and comfort. And that you are able to comfort each other soon
21 · Lucky Dip Lisa · 25 August 2012, 18:11
When my daughter was born my emergency ceaser at 27wks I found myself in a similar situation. People didn’t know if she had survived or would survive but no-one wanted to ask. Instead they said or did nothing, not even acknowledge the birth. I
Your teaching your girls invaluable skills, from which many will benefit and David is lucky to have chosen such a capable women to be the mother of his children.
My daughter did survive btw. She’s nearly 15 now:)
22 · Ararawjo · 26 August 2012, 18:26
I went to your blog after Elijah’s death. I have read every entry and I feel so close to you as if I’d shared your life. But, of course you don’t know me.
You will never be alone, you are in people’s thoughts everywhere. Both you and David. I wish I could reach out and give you both a hug.
23 · Evelyne, from Singapore · 29 August 2012, 11:26
Dearest Lauren,
I met you when we all lived in Abidjan. Your mom is a dear friend and she kindly shared what happened. I had never read a blog before, so that’s an eye-opener. You’re extremely gifted, your writing is passionate and genuine. I spent many hours reading a lot of your daily adventures, emotions, birth and tragedy, wonders, I admire the way you open your heart. I have lifted you up daily to our God and Father and Lord to comfort, hold you in His Everlasting Arms, to bring you strength and a desire to carry on. May you feel His love and strength and perfect guidance every day. His favours and blessings are new every day.
You were right to say that He wouldn’t allow anything you wouldn’t bear. It is amazing how you have grown in love and forgiveness, caring so much for others. You are a young woman and yet with so much wisdom to share.
When people don’t say anything, they then bear the pain of their silence but somehow it brings them a deeper awareness of your own pain, so I am convinced that you are in a lot more people’s minds and hearts than you think.
May your hurt turn into more love for others and more love for yourself. It is already poured out in your beautiful girls’ lives.
Beauty for ashes, your restoration will come. Double portion for your troubles. Amen.
Everyday the Lord reminds me of you and your husband and the children, baby Elijah is always so present, then I pray wherever, whenever. I know how much He loves you and He cares about every moment of every day for everything.
May you feel the love of all the friends, known and unknown who carry you, help you carry on, lift you up, like Aaron and Hur who helped Moses when he grew weary.
Our Lord Jesus is in every rainbow, every tear, every joy and smile. He is there with you in every step.
I send you love, hugs for all of you.
24 · Jesse · 7 September 2012, 14:12
I just found your blog and am blown away with your realism and circumstance. I am so very sorry….more than mere words could ever say, at what has happened. For you, your children, your husband. All I can do is to say that your story is so very moving, and to thank you so much for sharing so much of your heart. You and your family will be in my prayers.
25 · Abbe · 13 September 2012, 14:32
Lauren i read your blog regulary but never comment. I just wanted to offer you another supporting shoulder, another kind heart, and another warm hug. Your a beautiful person. x
26 · Hayley · 14 September 2012, 08:14
I stumbled by your blog and have been amazed at your soul laid so bare. I’ve read your adventures, joys and sorrows and have been there right with you. I spend my days with my 18mth old and 8 week old and at times am overwhelmed with the day to day. You have reminded me to enjoy every moment to hold them as much as I can and love the days as everyday is beautiful no matter what happens. Your insights have really touched me. Love to your family from ours.
27 · Allira · 5 October 2012, 21:59
Hi Lauren, i just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you today. As you may know, we have four children,including a little baby who is a little younger than Elijah was. Each time that I read a post that is happy/ where you are optimistic I think of Elijah ( as it is hard not to, knowing that he is not there with you, especially as our bubba is featured in so many of our blog posts) and I think that if I say that I am thinking of Elijah, then it may upset you. But of course I know that is ridiculous. As much as I ( and many of the mothers reading your blog) am haunted by the death of Elijah, and the photographs of him, as a mother I know that the memory of him must be with you every minute of every day. But you are doing such a wonderful thing by still making every effort to live each day for the girls :-) I am in such admiration of you through every blog post of your girls happy and joyous, free and living life. I know these days must be so difficult, and my love and thoughts are with you
28 · Sophia · 16 October 2012, 05:02
I’ve ended relationships with family members who never responded to me, on facebook or otherwise, regarding my brother’s death.
I know that’s not very grown up of me. But I judge people on how they respond to me. I know I should probably be more open to the idea that they have nothing that seems to sound right to say… but still.
Now, too, I understand when someone experiences their own grief. It doesn’t really matter what you say, just that you touch them and let them know you understand that depth of pain.
29 · Aiyana · 21 July 2014, 13:33
I’ve heard of your news. I care.
I read your birth stories years ago, and your ventures learning and loving with your family. As I stumbled back to your blog today, and read about the hard times you have since faced, I find words inadequate. I’m so sorry.