1 July 12
Everybody seems to be waiting for me to crack. My days are filled with administrative appointments, driving, chores and the unexpected, and yet I get through each task with energy at the end of the day to give our girls a good dose of attention before only resting for a couple hours.
The expected fissures are not happening within me, but within the lives of our young girls who can’t quite comprehend David’s sudden absence. I watch our five-year-old regularly lose control of herself over trivial matters — something that rarely happened in happier times. I’m so thankful for the fatherly relatives who have been investing in our girls’ lives during the past week:
“My daddy’s not coming back until I’m a lady. Will you be my daddy?” four-year-old Calista asks my father.
“Yes, I can be like a daddy to you,” he replies.
The restrictions that are currently imposed upon me are supposed to secure our daughters’ welfare, but ironically the reality works against them. Because I am not permitted to be with our daughters alone, other people mind the girls while I do errands — such as driving people around — and not even one daughter is allowed to accompany me.
This has led to two-year-old Delaney becoming increasingly distressed — she’s accustomed to 24/7 parenting by both her father and mother, and then suddenly only has me for a brief time in the morning and at night. There’s no wonder that she insists I lay in bed next to her for the duration of her night, crying pitifully if she discovers me missing.
And so I find myself lying beside Dell for hours, unable to escape my thoughts either by starting my chores or finding solace in sleep. Even in these dark times, I feel the incredible strength within me — a mystery of light, love and prayers that can only be comprehended by the spiritual mind.
For all the thoughts, prayers, love and light sent to me from the thousands of friends around the world translate into real energy in my life. They sustain me so I don’t descend into the mental pits of hell, they help me maintain our parenting philosophy of child-honouring with patience and love, they give me supernatural hope so I don’t react to negative energy directed me, they fill me with so much love so I can share it with those around me — and with David.
I am so incredibly blessed to be on the receiving end of this much supernatural support. Even though it has taken a tragedy to discover how beautiful and generous our friends are, I am grateful for this experience. May this incident strengthen me to pass on huge doses of light, love, thoughts and prayers to those I encounter in the future!