I never before realised how long a night is. Previously, I thought they were short spans of time, too fleeting as they were chased by the dawn and the chores of a new day.

In memory of Elijah Rainbow Fisher

Now each night must be endured until it mercifully ends and I can get up and do things again — things I never imagined I would be doing, learning procedures and making decisions that should never have come my way.

But they are in front of me, and I have no option but to rise to the challenge. All I want to do is return to the land of the living — the four beautiful girls who surround me now. But I have forms to fill out, phone calls to make, bills to pay and more interviews every day.

I am so thankful for the family and friends who have come to my aid at this time. Although some don’t understand our lifestyle and family values, for the most part they are happy to maintain the status quo. I feel loved and cared for, and yet still so alone.

Our girls have mixed feelings. It’s so fun to have all these people visiting — many bringing yummy foods — and yet they feel the absence of Elijah and David very keenly.

Aisha asked me today when David was coming home. How am I supposed to answer a question like that? Why am I even being asked something like that?

It’s very late at night now, and at some point I will have to surrender to the darkness. I pile the children into bed with me so I don’t have to sleep alone — when I do sleep.

I know there’s a brighter day coming, but I haven’t caught a glimmer of it yet. Please, God, let it be soon!