The way of love
22 April 12
I don’t think that I’m an expert yet in demonstrating the way of love. But I do know that for me the stakes are higher than ever before, and I am finding the energy to love David from resources I didn’t know existed.
I truly believe that I can grow into a true and pure manifestation of divine Love — with no selfish motives, no hidden agendas. All my life, I’ve read about Jesus who showed this kind of love to the people around him.
And Jesus clearly said that we would do greater works than him. So if Jesus demonstrated perfect love, I can too.
Our recent life circumstances have put me on a fast-track, crash-course in manifesting divine Love. I don’t have the luxury any more of being anything but lovely.
Whenever I am tempted to manipulate David through facial expressions, words, gestures, and actions, I remember what Love is. Love does not seek its own way. And as I become more familiar with the way of Love, it comes easier to me.
My honest confession about our personal situation has led to an outpouring of love and support for us. And this is Love — true love. As such, it’s transferable. I bask in the love I receive, and it empowers me to love those around me — especially David.
That’s the wonderful thing about Love. When love is given sincerely, it multiplies, bounces around and spreads. Love changes things — not by offering judgements and analysis, but by simply giving of itself.
Being on the receiving end of judgements, analysis and Love has also taught me a valuable lesson about communicating Love purely. The next time I feel tempted to give love-with-a-lecture, I may just stoop down and draw in the dirt for a while. Doodling in the sand is invaluable if it means that I can offer love to a person without preaching to them.
In the meantime, thank you for your love. I accept it all and am using it to change the world around me. I offer it to my husband, my family, the friends around me and the strangers on the street with whom I have eye contact.
Will my love succeed? Without ultimatums, threats, cajolings or pleas? Yes, absolutely. Time will prove it to be so.
In this time, I am learning the way of love in a real and tangible way. So I am grateful for these lessons, however painful they are.
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1 · Dana Ganssle · 23 April 2012, 01:33
Genesis 2: 24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. 25 And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.
My partner and I are preparing for marriage and the “man of God” we have been working with has had us focus on the above verses for contemplation and discussion, individually and together. I came to your blog recently and feel like I stumbled in at the right moment to really relate to your life and struggles.
I am not a church go-er and only recently started working on my spiritual self, after over a decade of spiritual silence.
Read the verse above and if you are at all like me you can find some helpful insight. I won’t go through my individual interpretation, but I will say that it has given me something to work on with my partner.
Good luck and God bless.
2 · Liz from America :) · 23 April 2012, 06:35
Marvelous.
May God’s face shine upon you!
Keep moving forward……
3 · Vanessa · 23 April 2012, 07:08
My thoughts are with you Lauren. I have been in a similar situation within my marriage. I gave all my love to my children and what tiny amount was left for myself. I gave love to my husband in the way I could (practical ways) but not in the way he wanted (physical). Too many years of pregnancy and breastfeeding and killed any desire for me (plus we have been together since we were 16). His anger at a lack of physical relationship built until he struggled to love me.
But we got mediation and therapy. We talked and talked. And listened to each other.
Amongst a lot of other things, I realised that I had to make space in my life to love him too. He deserved it and needed it. So sometimes when the kids are finally asleep and I want to sleep, I choose not to and to be with my husband instead.
Things are good now, after some pain.
You are a strong women and I believe that you and David can work this out if it is what you both choose.
I follow your blog because I’m an unschooler, I’m not a believer in God. But even so I am praying for your strength to keep your whole family together and strong.
4 · Luke Griffin · 23 April 2012, 09:58
I am sorry to hear Lauren that you need to compromise your desires in order to ease your husbands sexual frustration.
I am sorry that you and your daughters are learning that your body is not your own but is merely the property of a man to control according to his whims.
I am sorry that you believe that YOU are the manipulative one in this relationship.
A site that may help is www.whole-women.com , there are many women there who have dealt with similar circumstances.
Good luck on your journey, I cannot follow it any more.
5 · shen · 23 April 2012, 12:51
i must say i agree with luke. i was so disheartened to discover the path you’re choosing to take. all our decisions and behavior truly affect our children. what do you want your daughters to believe about their bodies, their needs, their place in society?
6 · Erica · 23 April 2012, 20:10
Wow! This is so inspiring to read about ur aspiration to pure/divine love. And what an opportunity you have to embrace this. True love doesn’t need anything in return, BUT to know this and live this are very different things, and I am yet to experience this in the area of physical intimacy. With you in LOVE as you travel this journey, knowing that you have been given this opportrunity so you are capable of embracing it! x
7 · Marcia · 23 April 2012, 22:10
I dont know what to say – I was in such turmoil this weekend over your situation and it brought up some nasty stuff in my own relationship and in things that are going on in my life at the moment. I should have had faith that you and David would come to some sort of (comporomise is the wrong word but i cant think of the right word sorry) I think i also though that David was being selfish but then realised that my own husband was feeling the same way and how unfair that was. There are things that both husband and wife can do to help one another in a situation like this – I dont agree with some of the commenters – you and David chose to marry and there is a level of intimacy that is expected in a relationship. For some reason there are a lot of women out there who dont feel or understand that need for physical love with another person and life and children complicate this in ‘normal’ situations so I can only imagine what 5 young children and travelling could do. I really hope that like everything else you and David and take the time to re learn how to love one another and truly manifest this with each other and with others. You of all people do deserve this and I apologise for the horrible things I was thinking of David. (my husband set me straight though so consider me chastised ;-) I wish I could explain myself better but I really am thinking of you and your family. X0X0
8 · Nancy · 24 April 2012, 00:11
I agree with what Vanessa and Marcia said. Moms give so much of themselves to their kids that there is little left for their husbands. I don’t agree with Luke that David’s physical desire for you is because he wants to control you with his whims, nor does it make him a chauvinist. I think it’s just the way God designed us….men need physical love; women need emotional love. I don’t think that is sexist at all. I think the fact that you are talking about this openly and you and David are identifying the problem is a huge step in the right direction of reconciling your differences. I know you’re on the move, but if you can go to a counselor who values marriage, I think it would be helpful to you. Praying for you and appreciating your honesty!
9 · Michele · 24 April 2012, 03:26
I have been reading about your struggles and truly hope you can find a way to work things out for everyone involved. In a marriage you are always having to comprimise if you want things to work, so I understand your need to please David. I have no problem with this as long as you don’t lose yourself in the process. But I have found some of the posts funny. This doesn’t only happen with husbands. I am in a similar situation with my husband. Since becoming a mother, my husband has lost sexual interest in me or sexual interest in much of anything else. After 4 kids to him I am a mother, so he has a hard time seeing me as a sexual being. Nothing has changed except me becoming a mother. He is a good husband and father, so I have had to learn to deal with his frigid attitude towards me and weigh how important this is to my well being. But to say that men need physical love and women want emotional love, and that is how we are made is ridiculous. That sounds like a conditioned response our mothers would tell us. I guess my point is WOMEN LOVE SEX TOO. It is o.k. for us to enjoy it, not just provide it for someone else. It really sounds like you need to work through some things to get to that point. The responsiblilites of parenting exhaust us so much that sometimes we get overwhelmed and forget the enjoyment it brings to our lives if we relax and grow sexually.
10 · ruth · 24 April 2012, 13:47
we’re reading a really good book at the moment called The way of the Superior Man by David Deida. Excellent reading and insightfull all the way through. He has another book that I could recommend if you don’t mind called Finding God through Sex. It may sound weird to some but I know you would appreciate a good read. Love to you guys and hope to see you again soon.
11 · Alana · 25 April 2012, 15:42
My view/opinion:
Marriage is sacred! Where is your private life? To always be putting your husband and children, your self on display…please look at this. Feels dishonouring of your lives, your marriage, your sacred space!
A private diary is one thing, a blog with people being privy to such sacred information and then all these others giving their views into the most private details of your marriage, is totally something else!
With sincere love, I suggest you take what you put into your blog and recommit and reinvest that energy into your marriage and life!
12 · Lusi · 25 April 2012, 22:30
Dearest Lauren and David,
We haven’t caught up recently but I’ve been reading up on some of your most recent posts. Am glad you guys are trying to work through these issues. Marriage is a sacred covenant between a husband, wife and God. We believe that, no matter what according to our sacred text ( the Bible) that this is the way it should remain regardless of any circumstances, emotions or disabilities. The way that you wrote the original post did sound like you, Lauren, were implying that David was forced to turn away from you towards another because of a lack on your part. That made me feel sad because I believe that our Father wants us to truly love selflessly. This is not to say that it is not hard to give of ourselves physically but love is patient and is not self-seeking (1 Cor 13).
Anyway, I understand this must be a really hard time for you guys and I have been praying that Yah helps you through this and restores what has been broken or stolen away.
With love,
Lusi x