Addendum
21 April 12
In the interests of providing a clear record of our struggles and triumphs, sometimes I update the blog after an article has been posted. Today, I have done this to my recent post about learning to love David unselfishly.
After talking with David, there are two new paragraphs on How great is my love?:
Over the years we have experienced seasons of sexual drought, and this has been really difficult for David. I have not often been an eager lover, and although David clearly expressed his needs and desires, my own desire for him in the past hasn’t been great enough for me to give to him what he needs. So, yes, he’s starved for sex — for approximately fifteen years.
I haven’t been generous, I haven’t been enough. I’ve been generous to others, and I’ve been generous to myself. But I haven’t been generous to David.
And David has left a comment after Feeling blue?:
When I observe Lauren pour out her love and affection on our children, and on others I am attracted to her, and she appears to be a wonderful Angel. Lauren’s consistent denial of me and the resulting loveless, frigid marriage that we have both endured for so long has been the catalyst for me to change myself in an attempt to become lovely enough in order to win Lauren’s affections. Becoming someone to whom Lauren is attracted enough for her to actually express love for me in some kind of tangible (non-theoretic) way is my goal.
Lauren is wonderful — so many people agree with me on this. It is not enough for me to watch Lauren love others, I want to experience the real deal.
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1 · Jen · 22 April 2012, 10:50
I know I’m a stranger but I follow your blog. I’m glad to hear that things are okay with your family. I think most of the blogging world was worried about you guys!
On that note, I’d like to add that I’m struggling with this exact thing! It’s not that I don’t love and care about my fiance, it’s just that I don’t need sex the way he does. It’s hard to find that balance when you feel like you have more important things to do or you’re tired or just not feeling it. I too am trying to change to become more available and more loving in that way.
I wish you guys all the best in the future and hope you can find that happiness!
2 · Sheryl · 22 April 2012, 12:08
Thanks for the addendum. It was good to read. I’m still praying for you. Have been. Will be. You’re important to me.
3 · Rhiannon · 22 April 2012, 13:14
I find it wonderful how open you both are with each other, honest and passionate. I believe what you write about occurs in more relationships than many would admit, so you surely are not alone in your struggles.
xx
4 · Grace · 25 April 2012, 14:51
Hmmm, I am no expert on people, or relationships but there seems to be a lot of talk about David’s needs…. And from where I sit it seems a bit selfish…. and really, there is so much more to love than sex…. but hey, it’s your life and I can’t tell you how to live it, I’m simply looking in the fish bowl and it’s easy to make value judgements here and no offence is intended. But when I read your words something just seems off to me….perhaps it’s the underlying energy of you being to blame because you don’t want sex. I’m sorry but as a liberated woman I can’t see how you are to blame for not wanting it, but he shares no blame in wanting it too much?
I think you’ve chosen a hard road to hoe, I say this from a place of kindness not judgment, but sometimes we need someone to be the devil’s advocate….so to speak.
Blessings to you and your family.
5 · David Fisher · 28 April 2012, 09:12
Responding to Grace
We are not just talking about sex here. I am seeking physical touch, eye contact, loving facial expressions, conversation and kindness. I have felt starved of these basics for most my time with Lauren. (with brief periods of conscious connection occasionally)
But guess what – I don’t blame Lauren at all – nor do I expect her to provide these experiences for me.
I am currently re-modelling myself in an attempt to attract a satisfying relationship into my experience.
6 · Docie Pira · 1 May 2012, 00:04
Does Lauren have Asperger’s Syndrome?
http://autism.about.com/od/familyissuesandautism/f/spouseaspie.htm
7 · Naomi · 14 June 2012, 19:25
I’m sifting through the Sparkling archives, so forgive me if there is much to be updated on this topic – but there is a wonderfully modern and liberating (in the traditional sense I suppose) philosophy on the topic of polyamory these days. It is, to me and many others, a refreshingly clean and pure progressive approach to love, relationships and acceptance as well.
And for the record, for this wise and judging ‘Claire’ above us – as a liberated woman, I do NOT consider forced monogamy a liberating existence. There is more to love than sex, and more to sex than love. And that is RESPECT.