Freedom in bed-times
15 September 11
As we’ve learned to let go of the strictures that once dominated our parenting style, one rule that has completely been relaxed is that of set bed-times. Most evenings, the girls go to bed whenever they wish — without coercion and without negative ramifications on the following day’s attitudes and energy levels.
Although we transitioned to free bed-times while we were sleeping together in our horse truck in New Zealand, now that we’re temporarily in our base home, we’ve discovered that we like offering free bed-times to the girls as they’re working really well for our family.
In the evenings
Instead of following an evening routine, David and I play with the girls and tidy up. We encourage the children to get ready for bed by asking if they’re properly dressed, would like a bath first or need a nappy on. Sometimes we read books, and 20-month-old Delaney is put to bed when she displays the classic tired-signs.
When David and I feel like we’re ready for the transition to bed-time (usually after Delaney is in bed), we simply turn off most of the lights, put the music volume on low and intentionally disassociate somewhat from our children (by going on the computer, reading a book, sitting together on the couch or entering into our own evening tasks). The girls are aware that we’re doing this and are in agreement with us, and they also move into their own private bed-time routines (by collecting the toys they want and arranging their bed spaces). They’re very gracious in giving David and me our space and time alone — they already understand that we benefit from time alone as a couple.
Sometimes we’re at our daughters’ sides when they go to bed — tucking them in and kissing them good-night. Other times, we turn around and realise that someone is missing — they’ve put themselves to bed!
Generally, the girls go to bed from around 8pm to 10pm. They’re (mostly) quiet and thoughtful of their sleeping sisters, so the ones awake don’t disrupt those already sleeping. The actual bed-times are within the time-frames that David and I stay up until, so it’s no inconvenience to us. Occasionally we may go to bed earlier, leaving one or two still awake and reading or playing quietly.




Half an hour after this photo was taken, all three were in bed, asleep. They had decided (one at a time) that they were tired, and they put themselves to bed. Although they were up so late, the next day passed without incident. Calista took a two-hour nap from about 1pm, waking happy and cheerful. All the girls were in bed the next night by about 7.30, but that was a natural consequence of being tired!
In the mornings
20-month-old Delaney is the first to wake up between 6 and 7am. She loves a snuggle and can sometimes be persuaded back to sleep with a loving cuddle. The older girls wake up at completely different times.
We try to keep the noise level down if someone is still sleeping. Simply by being quiet ourselves, the girls mimic the respect that we’re showing others and are considerate of their sleeping siblings.
Some mornings, we’re not all awake until 9am. Other days, it’s earlier. Our lifestyle means we don’t need a morning routine — especially not one dominated by the clock — so these staggered awakenings suit our family and give us a unique start to each day.
Our girls are aware of their own energy levels. They’ve experienced times when they’ve lost control because they’ve been extra-tired, and then life is no fun for them. We share our own body-clock experiences to the girls and describe how we manage ourselves. During the day, each child considers their own energy levels and learns their own limits.
If they need to, the girls put themselves to nap. Sometimes we suggest good hiding spots if we think one daughter needs some time to rejuvenate herself. If we notice a child is tired, we can make them aware of their own tired-signs by inviting them to analyse their feelings and take action accordingly.
We’re loving our children’s free bed-times. Because we’re no longer trying to force our daughters away from us, we’re no longer exasperated by their continued presence in the evenings.
Free bed-times are peaceful and natural. It almost sounds too good to be true, but really, we’re encouraging our children to read the signs of their own body’s natural sleeping rhythm. It works for us.
1 · Ruth · 16 September 2011, 06:06
Good going guys. Sounds like we are on the same path. Guy is more relaxed than I am. We lie around the fire and one by one they gather and bring out the doonas or go off to a more comfy bed and our night winds down with peace and loving snuggles.
Look forward to a reunion.
2 · Maxabella · 16 September 2011, 10:42
I love reading your blog and have been silently amazed and in awe of your dedication as parents. Your calm, embracing approach is something that is equal parts inspiring and terrifying to me.
I don’t know if it’s because my children are more full-on or if it’s because our life is more full-on, but I gotta say that if I couldn’t put my bairns to bed by at least 8pm each night, I think I would collapse. I need to know that they are in there, asleep or quietly reading, and that I am ‘done’ for the night… I can clock off! x
3 · Jenna · 16 September 2011, 16:31
I love it. :) Our daughter is 18 months old and we don’t enforce a bedtime or naptime but instead when we can tell it’s time one of us will tell her we’re going to lie down and invite her to join us if she wants. Sometimes she’ll come right away, sometimes she’ll play for a little longer and then come, and sometimes she’ll catch it before we do and come ask us to lay down with her. We snuggle until she falls asleep (or if it’s naptime usually I’m asleep before she is to be honest).
For now this is working wonderfully for us and as she gets older we’ll probably have something similar to what you do. Thanks for sharing. :)
4 · Frances · 18 September 2011, 14:10
I love the way you parent. :-)
Because our children go to school we put them to bed anytime from 7.30 to 8.30pm, but we’re apparently “unusual” in that I refuse to make them go to sleep. I’m happy for them to stay in their rooms, reading quietly, until they’re ready for sleep. My 7 year old generally goes to sleep immediately but my 9 year old bookworm is often still awake at 10pm or later. He will turn off his bedside light when he’s ready.
5 · Lisa Wood · 21 September 2011, 20:18
That is a very interesting concept. So what happens when they do get tired the next day? Do they all sleep during the afternoon?
I am so interested in your free parenting style. Is there a book you have read about it? Or did you discover it another way?
Cheers
Lisa
6 · Lauren · 22 September 2011, 12:52
If our girls are tired the next day, we encourage them to take time-out to rejuvenate themselves. For some, it’s simply sitting and reading books quietly. Calista will put herself to nap.
Usually the girls don’t nap, and yet they’re discovering that they can nap if they want to without being forced into it.
We haven’t read books that encourage free parenting. This is a style we’ve developed as we have become more free ourselves.
7 · Niki · 28 September 2011, 07:55
I don’t like bed times either. My girls have always been good about knowing when they are tired and need to go to bed.
But my hubby goes to bed with the chickens and is a very light sleeper so we have to do what Elmer Fudd says:
“Be vewy vewy quiet”
8 · Monika · 18 November 2011, 16:20
How refreshing to read another bedtime “routine” that isnt so routine.
I’m very similar with my 2.5 year old; she doesnt have a set bedtime, and what we do right before can change from day to day.
I’ve gotten tons of flack from people who oppose this and try to get me to structure her routine so thank you so much for sharing your family’s “routine” :)
9 · Babylove76 · 28 November 2011, 18:19
Forwarding my comment from: http://anunschoolinglife.com/sleep-freedom-letting-kids-find-their-own-sleep-pattern/comment-page-1/#comment-59901
because it applies here as well…
I love this article and agree 1000%! We have been unschooling for the past two yrs and embrace this for many reasons.
Two of my 3 kids have epilepsy and getting enough sleep is almost MORE important than their medications. Their seizures have slowed dramatically since. The human body is designed to grow ONLY while sleeping! Another reason to sleep when the body demands. (This includes BRAIN growth as well!)
My kids cycle about every 2 weeks or so. Most of the time they are “3rd shifters” (up all night sleep most of the day) but they also have days they sleep at night. I sleep/awake much the same way. It works for us. My kids are very pleasant to be around since they are always well rested…unlike most of their peers.
The only thing that I make sure to do is give the kids (and myself) an extra vitamin D3 during the days when they sleep and are not out in the sun much or at all…other than that – we are a very happy, fully rested close-nit family that enjoys being around each other! :)
10 · Kristin · 14 August 2012, 15:35
My husband works a very early shift. He needs to be in bed by 9pm and gets up at 3:45am. I really don’t love this schedule myself and my kids definitely don’t follow it. I would love to be more flexible in our bedtimes, but I wonder……..how do you find alone time with your husband when the kids don’t go to bed before you?
11 · Lauren Fisher · 14 August 2012, 17:50
Hi Kristin,
Our children understand the idea that they don’t want us breathing over them all the time while they play, so we have simply asked for time to be alone together as grown-ups. They are usually obliging and understanding. The other thing is that I was happy to go to bed before the kids and asked them to be quiet so I could sleep. When offered respect and understanding, children respond in a like manner.
I’d love to hear if this works for your family too.
Love,
Lauren.