Boolah's back!
22 December 10
Over the past couple months, I’ve started chronicling the changes we have made as we have reversed previous parenting decisions. We have always wanted the best for our children, but previously we imposed “the best” onto them without listening to their hearts and understanding what their desires truly were.
In August this year, when Brioni turned four, we asked her to give up her security blanket — Boolah — in the interests of stopping her thumb-sucking and growing her up faster.
We didn’t ask Brioni if this was something that she wanted to do. We told her she needed to do this.
Selfishly, I wanted to stop Brioni sucking her thumb because I have held a negative view of children who suck their thumbs. I have had this idea that children who are older than three should not suck their thumbs and those that do are babyish, mollycoddled and generally bratty.
Why did I come up with such a idea? It’s foolishness!
It has led me to judge other children and their parents without looking at the child in love and understanding. To all those whom I have judged in this way, I am so sorry.
I have also heard stories about how thumb-sucking can harm the formation of the mouth and lead to “imperfect” teeth later on. And so, in fear, in selfish protection of our money and in accordance with popular culture’s views of what makes a mouth beautiful, I forced Brioni to stop by taking away her cuddly friend Boolah.
The reality was that Brioni still sucked her thumb when she was falling asleep or very sad. However, she would recede into the corner of her bed and hide under her doona to do so. Instead of openly displaying who she was, she hid in shame — knowing that I would chastise her.
It was so sad. Instead of offering comfort, I continued to judge our beautiful child. Instead of drawing Brioni out of her sadness by coaxing a smile and some cheerful chatter, I would berate her for displaying her … childishness!
Why did I think that our four-year-old needed to act like a twelve-year-old? Why did I try to change Brioni — even if it’s for her long-term good — before she was ready to initiate that change within herself?
I’m so sorry, Brioni. I love you dearly and I am learning to love you better. I’m glad that we gave Boolah back to you.
And while we were at it, I also found Aisha’s security blanket Aya and returned it to her. She’s been playing with it non-stop ever since. It’s been great to watch.
This parenting gig is harder than I thought. I thought if I did everything right, I would be a good parent. Slowly I’m learning that if I love our children right, I will be a good parent. That’s something to aspire for — more love!
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1 · Tea · 22 December 2010, 23:24
I love your heart in this. I think it is a wonderful thing to be able to tell our child/ren that we are sorry, or that we were wrong. And so beautiful to acknowledge their feelings and embrace who they are.
2 · Erica · 23 December 2010, 07:26
Thanks for sharing Lauren, very beautiful. xx
3 · shenais · 23 December 2010, 08:13
ah- thank you for the reminder that we are not perfect as parents. more love- that is the stuff! i appreciate your honesty. it is such a difficult job- to be a parent.
4 · Rosemary · 23 December 2010, 08:57
great post! Parenting is a tough job!
5 · Mizasiwa · 23 December 2010, 16:13
I worked with a girl who is 25 and has her own Aya (i think i told you before not sure) she sleeps with it under her pillow even now! She took it with her to the UK for two years and a six month back pack trip!! she says it makes her feel safe and calm so she can focus on what is important! your girls look truly happy!
6 · Maureen Tully · 23 December 2010, 16:21
Beautiful, life-affirming decision! The cult of the comfort-deprivers is still strong, but most don’t realise that it harks back to the ‘machine’ age theorists (all men who believed God was dead, mothers a bad influence and who had little to do with their families, if they had one). Four-hourly artificial feeding; measured ‘allowance’ of time to breastfeed, allowing babies to scream themselves to sleep, and not cuddling them – as it would lead to juvenile delinquency, were equally heirs of this gospel of emotional poverty.
Now ask me what I really think!
7 · Nikki · 23 December 2010, 19:57
My almost 6 year old daughter still has her comfort blanket and sucks her thumb when she’s sleeping/tired or sad. I also debated if I should ask her to give it up but decided to let her keep it. I’ve noticed her need for her blanket has gotten less-I’m wondering if it’s because her mommy is learning to love her just the way she is! :-)
On the other hand though, my almost four year old son sucks a dummy (aaargh, wish I’d never used it, but that’s a whole other story) Anyway, he still needs it when he’s tired, sad and even bored…. I’ve been having an inner struggle with: why do people think it is so cute/acceptable for a 5 year old to have a comfort blanket and they think a 3 year old should give up his dummy??!!! I do see them both as serving similar purposes, now I just have to overcome those lies which make me worry about what others think!!!!
My ultimate goal is for them to realise that Jesus is their comforter…. but I guess that that is something they will learn in time!
8 · Aunty Gwenda · 23 December 2010, 22:01
I read this with interest as all 4 of your cousins had “binnas”. I cut Brent’s up and burnt it when he was about 6 and at 38 he has still never forgiven me. It comes up at all family gatherings and he blames me for all the shortcomings in his life because I burnt his binna. The other children just outgrew theirs. They syopped thimb sucking whne they were ready. Their second teeth weren’t affected.
I was complimentaing Christopher on his parenting recently and apologising for my failures as a mother, and he said that we should not judge our success or failure as a parent by how our children turn out, but how our grandchildren turn out. Now that is a thought.
9 · LoriM · 24 December 2010, 01:23
So fascinating. I’m considering the thoughts here as a 51-year old woman who still has issues because of things my mom “worked on me” with back as a child. Part of the problem is the “work” didn’t stop even when I became an adult. Or was it my reaction to the work that is the problem? I became very careful not to offend or annoy or disagree.
“Why did I think that our four-year-old needed to act like a twelve-year-old? Why did I try to change Brioni — even if it’s for her long-term good — before she was ready to initiate that change within herself?”
I think my mom went overboard on the “for her long-term good”. Sigh.
Having said that – and as one who is NOT a parent – I have also heard that we all damage our children in some way (and we all were damaged in some way, even by the best of parents). I guess it’s keeping the damage to a minimum that should be our goal. And as children of damaged children, learning to keep our hearts gentle and loving and open, despite our disappointment in our parents.
Cheers! :-)
10 · Sunshine · 26 October 2011, 05:40
This is a beautiful post, I love the way you have kept your heart open to your girls, to hear their hearts and understand where they are at.
11 · Sarah · 6 May 2012, 14:17
Hi.
I’m new to your blog (via offbeat). I’ve been randomly going through your posts in my study breaks. I’m 24 and I still suck me thumb… I’m a proud thumb sucker. When I was younger (probably about 4) my parents consulted the pediatric dentist who said the way I sucked my thumb would NOT cause dental issues. (It’s all the way in my mouth and rests on the roof off my mouth, usually the problems are caused by the tip of the thumb pressing against the top teeth.) my aunt is almost 70 and when tired she sucks her thumb. I find it to be a great comfort, especially when I moved away from my parents and family and needed something to replace their hugs in emotional times. Sure sometimes people teased me but whatever haters gunna hate.
12 · Cathy · 25 August 2013, 23:22
Ha I just read the post when you removed Boolah and read in the comments how, you felt Bronnie had given Boolah up as part of her demonstration of turning 4. I thought how different your parenting is now, and I wondered if David would convince you to leave it out (as you said David kept bringing it back out) and then i had a giggle when I seen you redirected to this thread for an update. well done, Lauren, what a journey.
still think of David about every day. hugs to you.