Parallels between unschooling and unchurching
4 September 10
The gradual development of our philosophy on unschooling has paralleled our God journey to a place free from the obligations of religious institutions that we like to call “unchurching”. We didn’t deliberately set out to do this, but rather Father has gently called us out of the comfort of the structures that held us, and He has brought us into a place of true freedom.

I would have been the first to deny it, but when we started learning about unschooling, we were religious people. Deep within me, I thought people ought to go to church to find out more about God. And I sought to encourage them to go, to willingly subject themselves to the institutions that were holding us captive at the time (sorry, friends!).
But as I discovered that children don’t need to be deliberately taught in order to learn, and as I realised that life’s lessons are greater than the ubiquitous educational institutions — my mind began to shift.
I started wondering: Why was I was sending my daughters to Sunday school? It was held during the church meeting and oh-so-convenient as a form of babysitting. But in fobbing them off, I was passing them onto someone else to implant formative stories in their mind. I knew that I didn’t want my kids to be taught by others in schools — so why was I relegating the most important subject — God — to others?
I had a couple experiences with teaching Sunday school myself, and I realised that — however well-intentioned — the true spiritual content was .01% of the lesson. So if I was just handing over my kids to someone else’s responsibility, and it was not actually for positive spiritual growth but merely for babysitting, how could it be right?
This reasoning troubled me for a while. I also disagreed with some of the practices by other Sunday school supervisors. Videos were shown by those too lazy to interact with the children. The gross simplification of the Bible stories underestimated the children’s spiritual depth and kept them from really learning about God.
My reaction was to try to insist that our children not attend Sunday school. Instead, they stayed in the church meeting with us. They played quietly as we listened to the sermon. But this compromise didn’t settle the matter.
Soon I realised that I was subjecting myself to the very same practices I was trying to shield my children from! *In sitting in the traditional church meeting, I was taking someone else’s stories and making them my own. Someone else was telling me about God instead of allowing me to find out for myself.
Sure, the words in church may sound like “Look for yourself”, but the religious leaders’ practice within institutionalised religion trumpets “Learn from me”. The rhetoric is “the Bible is God’s word”, but the practice is that one person tells you what the Bible says, rather than simply reading the words and letting the Holy Spirit speak to individuals.
Despite this disquiet with church and Sunday School, leaving the religious institution was never on our mind. In fact, the only way we could start living in freedom was to be kicked out. On one memorable Sunday, David quoted Bible verses — interrupting the sermon — and this was too much for the religious leaders.
From their perspective, David had disobeyed a religious leader’s command to be silent, and that was a gross sin. We were asked not to attend the Sunday meeting, and when David did go, he was forcibly removed from the building.
Distanced from the emotion of the time, I can now see that being kicked out of church and finding freedom in unchurching is akin to being expelled from school and finding freedom in learning naturally!
No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. — Hebrews 12:11
As we learn more about unschooling our children, deliberately offering them freedom to grow and learn, we find that Father is holding out freedom for us as we live the life of Christ — free from religious obligations that previously held us captive. How beautiful and glorious this journey is!
I don’t expect many — if any — of you to immediately comprehend our perspective and our story. But if you take one thing away from this article, know this: we are walking in the light, following Christ, and Father will complete this glorious work in us!
1 · Robert · 4 September 2010, 09:33
Well, even though I have practically nothing in common with you paradigm-wise, I did take the time to read this post (it must be the “un” in unschooling and unchurching that drew me in), and I am glad I did. I have great respect for your willingness and ability to reason things out on your own and to choose your own path. I also have to admit that getting kicked out of church is pretty cool, and I regret never getting kicked out back when I used to go. Regrets, sigh!
2 · christine · 4 September 2010, 09:50
Thank you for sharing…I am encouraged to hear about your journey of coming out of the man made religious system and into the liberty and truth of His Word. “I am small and despised; I have not forgotten your orders. Your righteousness is righteousness forever, and your Torah is truth. Distress and anguish have found me; Your commands are my delight”. Psalm 119:141-143 Shalom and blessings, Christine
3 · kim · 4 September 2010, 10:30
Your words ring so true! Our family has seen a similar parallel and as both our families are indoctrinated in the institution of religion, they have had a hard time understanding our walk. It is in the quiet moments that God is found and I appreciate your post as a reminder that we are not alone!!! Peace & Blessings from Texas!
4 · alecat · 4 September 2010, 10:38
This post made me smile. We’ve had some similar experiences. I’m glad to say that we’ve now found a group of like minded people and we interrupt each other with questions for scriptural clarification as much as needed.
5 · Heather · 4 September 2010, 11:44
God used a very similar path for us (though we didn’t get kicked out, our eldest was asked not to attend Sunday school without an adult due to her seizures—and she was the only real reason we even “did” Sunday school.) And then there was other crazy church stuff that we realized, “Wow, we want no part of this, it is so very unbiblical.” And that was the end of organized religion for us. Now there is only God, His Word, and our relationship with Him— no other go between and it is awesome! We will see where He leads us next.
6 · Renee · 4 September 2010, 12:12
Amongst all your encouraging comments from readers I would like to go against the flow and say I feel very uneasy and saddened about your unchurching philosophy and David’s actions in the church.
7 · Tea · 4 September 2010, 14:41
Hmm.. I’m sure that after reading just this little bit, I don’t know enough to make a complete decision as to where I stand on this subject, but it sounds like you were coming from a place that was very strict and religious. That must have been so hard. I have always felt that in going to church, I was hearing God’s word read and interpreted by someone he had allowed into authority. That doesn’t mean that their interpretation is something I should take as 100% correct, but it is helpful to listen to/learn from others. I’ve always felt free to learn from the Lord myself through his word and then his speaking to my heart about what he has shown me there. Church is more of a secondary learning place for me. I haven’t had an easy time with church, so I really understand how hard it can be feeling in some way hurt by church. I am open to hearing these different points of view, but I’m always catious. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
8 · Rosemary · 4 September 2010, 17:02
Lauren, yes, I probably too have a very different perspective like Tea who commented above. Though I am not negating your painful experience in church and I am glad that you trusted your bloggy friends to share your heart with:) I am sorry that you and your family had to go through that experience:( It always distresses me when I hear such stories. I know that churches are not perfect so these things do happen unfortunately:(
9 · Ruby · 4 September 2010, 19:29
While I am not a big fan of most Sunday School setups, especially if it calls the children outside of the public worship of God, I do see the gathering of the saints in congragations as legitimate and necessary. Some are called to be preachers and teachers. As some commented above, we have the freedom and responsibility to search the scriptures and those in authority have a huge responsibility over the flock entrusted to them. Often this is abused and unsuitable men are in those positions, however, it is a biblical structure, teaching, discipline and administering the sacrements. In a loving and well run “church” if the leadership had issue with your husband’s behaviour, they would have dealt with it in a biblical manner as per Matthew 18. The scripture tells us to honour those who have the rule over us in the church and pray for them. Home and church serve different functions. Dad is head of the home under Christ, and Christ the head of the church giving authority to the under shepherds. Sorry about the long response and I do not wish to sound argumentative but we do need to be careful that what we are doing just doesn’t feel right but is right, biblically.
10 · anne · 6 September 2010, 10:49
It has been so interesting to read of your spiritual and schooling journey over the past couple of years. I still keep coming back to what I think is a very foundational theology or understanding of worship. In this it seems that modern evangelicalism has perhaps failed. The Church, the Body of Christ, his Bride is Christ’s own. And of course it is a profoundly broken and sinful body but it is covered by his love, grace, forgiveness and mercy. As an Anglican, and as a Pastor, I guess, I’m really against the idea that the ‘assembly of the faithful’ i.e. ‘Sunday morning worship’ is about fellowship, being fed, and learning about Jesus. Sunday morning Eucharistic Liturgical Worship (which is not what you are describing) is about worship. And worship is not about singing a lot of praise songs and feeling nice about Jesus and hearing a long sermon, worship is about aligning the human mind, heart and will with the mind and heart of Jesus. If that happens on a Sunday than all the other things flow secondarily from it—fellowship, learning, good feelings, relationships. If the worship is off (like we’re not really worshiping God, we’re worshiping something else, or, its so boring its dead) then everything else will be off. Worship is moored in scripture and it is fixed on Christ. And, of course, as someone in love with the liturgical Anglican form of worship, I believe it happens best in a hallowed space that draws the heart and mind away from the self and toward God, and a space that is not just me by myself with my Bible, but ‘the whole assembly of the faithful’—everybody having to get along with each other, even though its hard, care for each other, even though its inconvenient, living together in love. Our church is the center of many of it’s members’ lives. There is always someone in the sanctuary, pottering around, fussing with flowers or vestments or dust, and other people in the kitchen cooking for themselves or for the community, and others sitting in the library studying. And I could go on and on about Sunday School, because that’s my domain. So many have spent numberless hours making beautiful things for the children to work and interact with (today someone brought a finished ‘road from Jerusalem to Jericho’. The people are already painted and so the children are able to move the little figures of the Good Samaritan, the Priest, etc. up and down the road to the little inn, working out the story for themselves after they’ve heard it). So, of course, I’m sad. The broken body of the Church can only be healed by Jesus himself. I pray that he does heal it and that the many divisions and troubles of believers in every denomination and non denomination and church and unchurch may one day cease.
11 · Starfish · 12 September 2010, 18:02
Anne: you said “modern evangelicalism has perhaps failed.” Yes. Yes it has. Not only has Evangalicalism failed society, it bears great similarities to the superstitious anti-witchcraft societies prevalent circa 500+ years ago. Science and History teaches us that the practices of pagan society, eg. use of herbal medicine, aromatherapy, meditation, and celebrations of seasonal change, bare no association with ‘the devil’, and are far more innocent and wholesome than many idolistic and falsy ceremonial rituals that many of the chuches practices these days. The prosecutions carried out in the name of ‘Jesus’ by the religious doctrines of the times, back then and some nowadays, were and are actually far more “evil” and in my opinion would have the true Jesus turning in his grave, had/if he was still there. In my eyes, it is hard to find a religious insitute these days that doesn’t follow a similar legislation. I grew up in a Christian family, and love the morals and values it’s instilled on me. I love the personal growth and inspiration that one can receive from a powerful sermon, and the feeling of belonging that comes from attending a church each Sunday. Being part of a congregation of like-minded souls who you assume are all on the same page, the same path on this journey to make the world a better place, and live more like Jesus, certainly has its appeals. Sadly, the institution of ‘the church’, any church, has failed me many times. I tried protestant, baptist, lutheran, uniting, catholic, evangelistic non-denominational gatherings, an more recently, some un-defined communal churches in my region. Each one has left the void of communal spirituality within me even greater. The rules and regulations of organised religion create comparison and competition, and inevitably lead to prejudice and judgement of others, so the non-judgemental acceptance I crave, that Jesus gave, and that I choose to give to all I come across, is never fully reciprocated. So I choose to create my own ‘church’, to give and receive God’s blessings within my own house, and to accept all others into the fold no matter what doctrine (or lack thereof) they prescribe to. Luke 17: 21: People will not say “Look, here it is!” or, “There it is” because God’s kingdom is within you. So I say, Follow your gut instinct, be happy within your own life and endeavour to make your own soul pure, no matter how or why it makes sense to you. Lead an examplory life for your children and others that truly reflects Jesus in all his glory. Peace out mo-fo’s. xo.
12 · Melissa · 9 October 2010, 00:59
i knew it would be an interesting read when i saw the title…and it was!
13 · Nikki · 25 October 2010, 19:07
Been meaning to read this post for a while-glad I did! We’ve had a similar experience (although we weren’t told not to come back). Basically I’ve moved from growing up in a Roman Catholic home to Methodist to Baptist to a home church and now we’re just living life with the Lord. We’re not prefect, don’t have all the answers but it feels right for now! I also compare my church journey to my unschooling journey-perhaps I should write a post about it too!
14 · Debra Elramey · 31 October 2010, 09:44
As Starfish posted earlier, quoting from Luke 17: 21: “People will not say ‘Look, here it is!’ or, ‘There it is’ because God’s kingdom is within you.”
There is a distinct difference between the church and the Body of Christ. There are many who “unchurch” but still seek the kingdom on an individual level and in their homes. These do not “forsake the assembling of themselves together,” but rather experience true fellowship in a natural setting with their friends and family. They don’t need the rituals and various forms of godliness offered by the church to belong to the Body of Christ – for these rituals are only shadows of the real. Most of these individuals recognize that they are the church, and they understand that “God does not dwell in a temple made with hands” (Acts 7:48) but in their hearts. They tend to follow the Shepherd instead of the herd.
John Sanford writes in his work The Kingdom Within, “By instinct, man is a group animal. For hundreds of thousands of years he has existed through the group, and the individual has found his identity and meaning by virtue of his inclusion in the tribe, clan, or nation. But the Kingdom of God calls us to go beyond this ancient herd instinct and to establish an individual consciousness of oneself and of God. Being a disciple means following the call in the individual way, and inevitably this will mean the separating out of oneself from the collective psychology of the group.”
15 · Nedra · 3 January 2011, 03:40
This article was my heart in print. I just have one thought to add, and that is somewhere in time “the church” has become synonymous with a building. The church is not a building but a fellowship of the saints; the believers.
Matthew 18:20 says “For where two or three are gathered together in My name, I am there in the midst of them.”
16 · a small potato · 27 April 2011, 10:33
Lauren,
Your account of what happened when David was ‘kicked out’ of that evangelical church is not the full truth, is it. David came around and saw me after he’d been asked not to come to the Sunday gathering for the following 4 weeks and to have certain further meetings with the elders. He personally told me what happened and why he walked up to the front of the auditorium and interrupted the preacher. As I noted on your ‘Leaving Churchianity’ post a few months ago, it was a very strange and disturbing reaction by David. Why didn’t he go privately to the person he took issue with, in the first place? – that is the scriptural way.
.
Every action has a consequence – and the elders’ discipline of David was appropriate.
Why did David return to the Sunday gathering before that discipline process was completed? It is right for the church leaders to prevent someone from teaching heresy – and Universalism is an heresy. It discounts the gravity and awesomeness of the substitutionary, atoning suffering and death of Christ Jesus the Lord. With magical thinking it puts forward a fantasy of all those who have been against Christ being judged, going to a time-limited Hell & then “somehow” being reconciled to God ….. and everything being nice and rosey thereafter ….. eternally. That’s pretty much what David said to me.
Unfortunately you’ve both embraced this particular heresy. Rather than blaming institutional church for this, wouldn’t it be more truthful to accept your own responsibility for it and for the fact there are consequences to this? David is not being persecuted at all. You are not being persecuted at all. You both experienced the natural consequences of going off-track doctrinally. The Lord’s correction is sometimes quite severe. I implore you both to yield to it, in humility and repentance, and rebuild the foundations of your life lived in the very presence of the Sovereign Lord Jesus.
.
your brother Paul
17 · Elizabeth · 3 July 2011, 00:22
Just today came across your blog, via another blog. VERY interesting…I SO WISH we had thought of some of these things in the days our children were small. I was not totally in favor of unschooling…in part because those I saw so doing, were not raising good respectful children…but you have made some very good points here. We have not been church goers either for quite a few years (after being VERY heavily involved most of our lives)…long story. I DO believe it is time to leave most churches, for anyone who really is intent on following GOD. This Sunday a number in USA will be reading from the Koran. I think this says something. But I have learned that the ONLY way anyone sees what is really happening, is if the FATHER opens their eyes…we have come across very few with what I call GOD hunger…very few. Well, only a remnant will actually make it into the Kingdom one day. We can thank HIM so much for showing us TRUTH. One thing, if we want to find the real TRUTH, we have to desire to find TRUTH, more than to be right (as the ones winning a debate)…it is not about us, it is about HIM!! Blessings on your journey, Elizabeth
18 · rosetta star · 5 July 2011, 02:53
i love what your doing. i am a mostly unschooling mom to many (four bio kids and currently one foster, but we have been blessed with the roles of “extra” parents to many kids in crisis in our community over the years).
I just have to share one radical thought that you are ready for….
The bible is just a historical text. it is not the word of God.
there…. i said it…. now once you digest that. (which might take some time and grieving)…
you will be free in a fresh new way. i swear. its true.
much love on your journey. your doing great things.
rosetta star
and PS… God is everywhere you will find no lack of sources for his word
19 · Suzanne · 6 September 2011, 12:49
I agree that we do not have to be part of an organized congregation to be on the right path back to Him, to be a Christian.
I think in some cases it is more harmful than helpful to be a part of an official “church”. For example, when a deacon is having an affair with someone on the church staff and everyone knows it and looks the other way (‘everyone’ as in those in authority), …well, it is rather difficult to have respect or trust in “church” at all when it is being led by hypocrites. It is hard to worship when you’re dealing with mixed signals “thou shalt not commit adultery” and “adultery is OK if you’re a deacon/staff member”.
Personally, I feel closer to Him outside of a building full of that sort of thing. I get my fellowship with like-minded Christian women online. We don’t agree on everything all the time, but we agree always that He is our Savior and died to save us and that we are sisters in Christ.
20 · Babylove76 · 28 November 2011, 19:46
I have never liked or appreciated having my children “babysat” at church. There is no reason in the Bible I can see where this is practiced or encouraged.
When (as an adult) I chose to be active in a particular church I allowed my kids to go to “children’s church” which was just a movie most of the time. I felt a lot of pressure to go with the “norm” of having them go and I didn’t like the feeling of lost time with my children. What really woke me up one Sunday, was when my 3 yr old informed me that “children’s church” was boring because we “already have that movie at home”. It was a children’s christian video but we are all here at church to learn and grow closer to God – not to watch movies and be separated from our children just like every weekday (work/public school).
Now that I unschool, I certainly don’t want to go to church to be segregated by age and have my family ripped apart. I understand small babies making noise but even they can learn to be quiet with quiet toys. That said, I believe for a church to truly enhance a family and their walk with God – they should be together! I don’t personally get anything out of going to church anymore so I don’t usually. I have one daughter that loves to go, so she does with her dad. My other daughter stays home with me. Each of the girls get their special time with mom and dad on Sundays now. That’s more important. We learn about God everyday. Sunday isn’t the only day for that to happen.
21 · John · 5 September 2012, 00:55
for whatever it is worth…(a song)
All my life I’ve sought Your face
Through truth and knowledge sacred.
Through grace and sin and yearning
I’ve sat for hours in prayer.
At the end of which I caught myself thinking
I’ve become so humble.
And seeing this joke upon myself
I hoped to become more aware.
My childhood was full of tales of us and them-
the redeemed and fallen
lost lambs from the herd.
I’ve clung to holy policies
Advice from fabled teachers;
imparting their own world view
Disguised as Your Word.
Ch:
Oh Holy Holy One
Beyond my understanding;
However I choose to see you
You are beyond me still.
All I am is part of you.
Please help my understanding.
That my life may be
Embedded in your will.
How many holy myths
have fallen from our bibles.
The pre-eminence of white men
and doctrines of a flat earth
have called us to account
for what we can believe in;
for what we take as gospel
and what that can be worth.
But I choose to believe in you
One love everlasting;
One the truth in a universe
That’s always evolving.
And this I tell my children
And of this I am certain:
The only thing I know for sure
Is that I don’t know everything.
Ch:
Oh Holy Holy One
Beyond my understanding;
However I choose to see you
You are beyond me still.
All I am is part of you;
Please help my understanding;
That my life may be
Embedded in your will.