Desperate in the dark
31 January 13
I don’t know how other people cope with the consistent loneliness after losing a partner, especially in the darkest hours of the night. I miss the intimacy of conversations in bed, touching base throughout the day, analysing my thoughts and feelings with someone who understands me and sharing space with a loving man.
I don’t usually give much time to shallow conversations. In real life, I share as freely and honestly as I do online — well, more, really, because there are concepts and actions that I chose not to record publicly. So the friends I meet up with in our travels soon know me well, and my vulnerability also offers them an opportunity to share openly.
These friendships and ensuing conversations have recently become inadequate as I feel I have reached a crossroads within myself. I don’t know if I can stay single for years, treading this lonely water indefinitely in the hope of a future with David. Yet I also wonder if there is another person who would even accept me as I am — appreciate my charms and overlook my faults.
I’m interested in hearing from others who have navigated similar waters — who know the feeling of being desperate in the dark. Maybe even someone to call in the middle of the night when I can’t sleep. This is me, asking for help. Please be kind.
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1 · Kirsten · 3 February 2013, 02:38
Oh, Darling,
I have not lived through this personally but I have been the shoulder to cry on many times. I know it is an incredibly lonely process. I also can’t imagine the grief you are experiencing as you mourn the loss of a son and a husband. I can say things like “Time will ease your pain.” and “There is light in the coming days” but cliche’s, true or not, do not help right now. How sad to be unable to seek the comfort of the one person who probably really keenly feels the same loss of your son. I can’t offer you any advice on how to cope but I want you to know, you and your family are in my prayers daily. I do know that my friend’s have made it through the darkest times and though that loss never really goes away, healthier feelings do eventually emerge. Please do not allow others to make you feel guilty for feeling this way but also remember that if you try to fill the empty spots before you are ready, no one or thing will be able to do it and the grief will be magnified as that relationship deteriorates, make sense?
Bathing you in love,Kirsten
2 · miriam bialik van Wees · 3 February 2013, 02:42
Absolutely. i’m in kenya though, so your middle of the night is day for me. i’m at +254 707 365 928 or on skype on rovingmiriam. i’m yours.
3 · Phoebe · 3 February 2013, 02:54
I’m probably not of any help in this, but I wanted to let you know that I’m thinking of you all… Sending you a big virtual hug!
4 · Sarah · 3 February 2013, 03:20
Oh Lauren, hugs, hugs, and more hugs. I haven’t been through what you’re going through, but I’ve watched others close to me go through losing a spouse in devastating ways. You are in my prayers, dear one.
5 · Jenni · 3 February 2013, 03:44
Hi Lauren, I have not lost my partner so cannot comment from experience but I know what you mean about the night time conversations and the touching base, I realise without experiencing it that I would be lonely without it, I would miss the littlest things most if I was to be without my husband. I don’t think it is unreasonable to want a future with another. Although I know nothing of David’s case, or of what really happened, it seems likely that he won’t be free to rejoin you for a very long time (apologies for stating the miserable obvious). Is there a date on the calendar when you might know the outcome of the case and know whether he might be able to rejoin you in a reasonable length of time or not? Whatever the outcome of that, if you look towards possibly meeting another will there be a period where you have to separate yourself emotionally from David and the life you had together? He will always be part of your life, does he have an opinion on this….. could you talk with him about it? It might be that you wonder about this for years and then one day meet a man that you connect with and then you will know the answer. I don’t see any reason why a man wouldn’t accept you as you are, David did, why not someone else, you would have to accept that person in the same way so in that respect you would have equal vulnerability! With love, Jenni
6 · Denise Porter · 3 February 2013, 04:03
It’s hard but I think it might be best to continue to pour your energy and life into your girls and try to find comfort in friends. My husband left and I jumped into another relationship too soon — it seemed like the new man was the knight in shining armour coming to look after me and the kids. In reality alot of what he said wasn’t quite true. We’re still together but 6 yrs. on I have the benefit of hindsight and unfortunately we don’t have those deep, intimate conversations in the night. You can be married or in a relationship and still be lonely. At least I feel like I am still wishing for more love and support than is offered. Just my two cents. I am sure it must be so-o hard. I think of you often and somedays when I am really upset I think how well you seem to be coping and that my struggles are a lot smaller than yours seem to be. Chin up! Who knows what treasures the rest of 2013 will bring to you and yours.
7 · Anneke · 3 February 2013, 04:14
If you have a cell, I would love to text you, our morning might be your middle of the night :-) Hugs and blessings … my email address I think comes up with the is comment.
8 · Cherith Avery · 3 February 2013, 05:17
Lauren – sending big hugs your way…you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Only God really knows how you feel and I will be praying that He will be a source of exceeding comfort in those dark hours. Much love to you…
9 · Me · 3 February 2013, 06:25
It’s scary to look ahead and realize that you may be lonely forever, or might make the wrong choice and ruin a chance at love. Actually, scary isn’t a strong enough word for it. I have many, many sleepless nights, except on those where I’ve just zonked out exhausted. Hit me up if you need to talk about it.
10 · Kylie · 3 February 2013, 06:29
Oh Dear Lauren,
You are already love and accepted by so many people. Though you have not have meet all these people, we feel we know you well, – you touch our lives daily. I think, anyone would be immensely lucky to have you in their life. Please remember how many people care, during those dark hours of the night. You are one of the special ones on this world. I hope the light eases your pain today and you have a beautiful day full of unexpected adventures with your little girls. Anytime you need a friend Lauren, I’ll be here. xx
11 · Audrey · 3 February 2013, 06:33
I am of little help, I have never experienced your loss. However, I’m sure (although I’ve not met either of you) that David does not expect you to wait forever in the hope of a life with him and only wants you to find happiness wherever and whenever you are able. I am also sure and having unwavering faith in ‘what will be will be’ and that if you are meant to share your life with David (or anyone else) it will all work out, and any choices or paths you take between now and then will lead you to where you are meant to be. I’ve probably not helped, but know you and your family are in my thoughts. Much love xox
12 · Carolyn · 3 February 2013, 07:06
I have no wisdom to offer just wanted to let you know you are often in my thoughts and prayers. xo
13 · Pam · 3 February 2013, 07:25
Awwww sweetheart, soooo many nights I have felt the same way, my husband has mental health problems and we have separated!! The loneliness is something I still struggle with 18months down the track! I have amazing girlfriends who let me ramble about my thoughts and decision making without judgement! We all need this!! Email me and I will give you my mobile number – you can call anytime for a chat! Much love to your gorgeous beautiful self xoxo
14 · audrey · 3 February 2013, 08:14
I too have just separated from my man who has mental health issues. I work in mental health and I still could not help him. We have a 3 year olf daughter. In the year leading to our separation, I felt I was a carer, a risk assessor, a peace maker. He would become angry with his situation and take it out on me. I loved him and cared for him so much but in the end, him leaving was a relief. A huge relief.
I wonder if things ever got this dark whist you were with David?
It does not mean you miss them any less. It fact, probably more. The amount of care and love you feel for someone when you are in that situation expands. I have nights when I feel incredibly lonely- last night for example was awful. And then I remember it is probably better to be lonely then with someone who is unwell at the moment.
I do not personally believe it would be unreasonable for you to be open to meeting someone else. Maybe you should try talking to him about this? How do your daughters feel?
You are strong Lauren xxxxxxxxxxx
15 · Laura · 3 February 2013, 08:16
Lauren, I so admire your honesty here.
I love some of the thoughts that others have shared here.
I am sure that David wouldnt expect you to stay alone, if thats how its going to be for a while.
I dont think its something you have to make a decision on, but just continue to follow where life leads you, with an open heart, and see what happens.
Sending hugs your way.
16 · Natalie miller · 3 February 2013, 08:20
When I was 19 I lost my first love. It took me a trip overseas, a cocaine addiction, depression . I did however find my now partner and happiness again.
It took time , a lot of time and a lot of dark nights.
Take each day one at a time and do not rush! I’m sorry to hear your pain!
17 · Jane · 3 February 2013, 08:29
Oh Lauren, my heart goes out to you. I am in awe of your courage, serenity and dignity in your tragedy. It’s no wonder the loneliness must be bewildering and crippling at times. I can’t offer any easy answer, i wish I could. I’ve been through some very dark days and one small thing that helps is to live entirely in the present, and let the future sort itself out. It used to do my head in trying to navigate through the pain. However dire, life has a way of eventually sorting itself out. Time does eventually heal and it helps a bit to yield to that, live day by day, moment by moment and in the present while time does its healing. Stay strong darling Lauren, I feel sure there will be love, intimacy and comfort in the future but it will happen when the time is right. How I wish I could take your pain away.
18 · Leisa · 3 February 2013, 10:05
Hi Lauren,
My husband and I separated 18 months ago, despite the fact that we still loved each other. Mental health, conflict of ideas and ideals and what we were both willing to live with meant that living under the same roof wasn’t feasible.
I thought I would not survive the loneliness in the beginning. I thought my mind would crack under the paradox of loving him yet feeling so wounded by all that had happened. Nights were the worst. I missed his physical presence, I missed having someone to talk to. I hated the loneliness of our bed, preferring to sleeping the couch where the company of the tv gave some comfort.
Eighteen months down the track (and I know that seems a long time) and things are much better. He and I are still friends and we have a comfortable “together but apart” thing happening. The separation has allowed me the space to heal, to nurture myself, to confront things within myself. I’ve learned to be content in all circumstances. I guess I have the benefit of my children being older teens & young adults where they are self sufficient and understanding enough to know that I’ve needed time alone to work on things, to nurture myself. Taking care of myself, learning about myself, working on my own physical fitness and mental health has been of great benefit.
I still miss my husband and I know he misses me. I miss his physical presence, but I have accepted that this is the way it is for now. We are together but apart.
I hope you get time to be just Lauren. No one would question your unwavering devotion to your girls so I hope you know it’s ok to take time out and nurture yourself. It really does help.
Much love.
19 · Julie · 3 February 2013, 12:22
You’ll never find another man like David because no one else could really know (despite what they say) what it’s like to carve out a belief system between you and another special intimate person and then apply it to your children: the humans you made together. It’s a unique and I think, miraculous bond. I know how enticing and strong that glue is because I have been there myself.
Lauren, you deserve to be happy.
No union is perfect and as good as your union with David was, you have written about his need or want to love other women and he has commented on how unloved he has felt, at times, in the marriage. Perhaps you should love David with a genuine and supportive brotherly love and allow yourselves to both expand and grow into the futures which await you both- they will most likely be very different futures. However, all actions have consequences and maybe, just maybe, you waiting for David to be released is more akin to martydom than faithful love.
Who said you had to be single? Who made that choice? Who decided your body should be unloved, unadored and untreasured? You obviously need a real and serious and intimate relationship. Why shouldn’t you have it? You are in your prime, there is no reason, other than the reasons you decide on, to limit your ability to be the lover, mother and partner you were…and to be those things again in a meaningful and cherished way.
I don’t know you. I don’t what those things you speak of deciding not to record are, but if you are looking for some kind of permission to love again and BE LOVED and be supported…why wouldn’t you take it?
If David had the opportunity to bond and heal and grow with another human, would you resent him for that? Or would you wish him the best and be glad about it?
You deserve to be happy. Please put yourself first. Nothing can undo what has happened, but the next 20, 30, 40 years are YOURS to do with as you like.
So love yourself. And most of all, like yourself.
20 · Janice Phillips · 3 February 2013, 13:47
Dear Lauren,
My heart hurts when I think of the pain you are in, missing your son and David. No one can fill that void. But There is someone who loves you desperately, who knows you better than you know yourself, knows you intimately and still loves you with an everlasting love. He knows the pain you are in, understands every thought and feeling you experience. He doesn’t judge you, He accepts you and all your feelings. You can cry out to him at any time, he is waiting and willing to be your everything. Please do not think I am giving you a pat answer. Many will tell you that you can have joy and fulfillment with a man. But those feelings are temporary at best. Seek Him, sweetheart, He wants to be found.
21 · Leisa · 3 February 2013, 13:47
P.S. Please feel free to call or email at any time if you need to. Hopefully you still have my number.
22 · Jess · 3 February 2013, 14:10
I am absolutely positive that you could find someone who would not only accept, but celebrate you. And not even overlook your flaws, but embrace them as a part of your entire wonderful self.
23 · Wendy · 3 February 2013, 16:08
I don’t have time at the moment to read everyone else’s responses but here is mine: I have been nowhere near your loneliness and sorrow but please know that we are all here for you. My hubby was military and I spent lots of time alone w/ my littles while he was deployed elsewhere. Cling to your friends and littles. It’s not the same, I know, but our hearts break for you, go out to you and pray for healing for you and your family. I think of you daily. And since I’m just a reader of your blog I’m sure that David must think of you and the girls so much more that just little old me. Please remember to take time for yourself, both you and your wonderful daughters need it for healing. You can’t be the wonderful mother that you are meant to be if you don’t take care of yourself both physically and mentally. Stress can do all sorts of weird things to your body and mind. Please remember that we all love you dearly.
24 · Mary · 3 February 2013, 16:55
Lauren,
I am happy to offer time, my presence on the phone and empathy. Alone and in the process is painful. Sometimes being met in the pain brings clarity. I am a relatively private person so I won’t post my phone number here however, if you’re interested in talking, email me and I’ll be happy to send my number. I’ll continue to check back on your blog, in case I am not understanding the technology of blogging and you are unable to reach me.
My prayers,
Mary
P.S. this blog quickens one of my favorite cards to mind:
“If I should pass the tomb of Jonah, I think I would stop there and sit for awhile, because I was swallowed once deep in the dark and came out alive after all”. Carl Sandburg
25 · Donna (NewAgeGranny) · 3 February 2013, 17:49
Lauren I have no experience with the loss you are experiencing but I have gone through a marriage breakdown, being a single parent and then remarrying. Also have experienced a separation and for the many months I was on my own as a single parent I was painfully aware of the loneliness and it took me many years to learn that self acceptance and self love are necessary before we can really truly give ourselves to another. Of course I didn’t learn all of this easily – I dabbled with alcohol, drugs and ‘hooking up’ – none of which I regret – I learnt lessons from it all. But I still can remember the feeling of lonliness and the feeling of not being ‘enough’ for any future person.
I don’t think you need to think in terms of ‘single’ or ‘in a relationship’ – just think in terms of NOW. Don’t pressure yourself by thinking you must have it all worked out. Your personal boundaries will change on a daily basis – and that’s ok.
You have my number if you ever need to talk, to laugh or whatever. Remember too – shallow conversations are sometimes the precurser to the conversations that can change your life :)
Be still and know that you are.
26 · Jodie · 3 February 2013, 21:21
Lauren I think you are amazing, the richness of life that you are giving your girls is just beautiful especially considering everything you have gone through. I have nothing but admiration for you but have wondered how lonely it must get being on the road all the time. Do you think you are running from something or trying to find your place again or maybe just trying to recreate what you had in the past? There is nothing ‘wrong’ with that but if you are torn about your future it could help to identify why you have travelled so far from ‘home’.
I don’t know you well enough, or David’s circumstances well enough to know any of the answers for you but I do think that the way you are feeling is perfectly ‘normal’, of course you miss your husband, of course you are unsure of your future. Don’t dwell on whether there is someone else out there who will love you for you, I am sure there is, first decide if you want someone else to love you.
27 · Rosanne · 4 February 2013, 00:00
Beautiful Lady, Mom, Inspiration to the world.
You are in my thoughts and prayers daily. I empathize with your pain and have experienced heartbreak and it takes time. You may email anytime, My words are hugs to you and your beautiful family.
28 · CJ · 4 February 2013, 05:21
I only recently found your blog and became aware of your life’s story. I cannot imagine the sense of loneliness and pain, even among all your blessings and joy.
I hope you find what you are seeking and where your path is meant to take you. You and your girls deserve the best, the problem is figuring out what that is, within the confines of things you cannot change.
I wish you peace and comfort right now!
29 · Kit · 4 February 2013, 06:51
Of course u may call, text, just e-mail me 4 forthe number! I have been following your blog 4 2 years. I love your family and your joie de vivre and your boldness,even in the face of extreme attack. u go girl; 4 all of us! And, as a friend used 2 say “trust God”. Kit
30 · chrr_blssm · 4 February 2013, 09:41
Lauren,
I have never been near the tragedy like yours. And I admire your strength and love for David.
My experience is that my husband left me for another woman just after the birth of our daughter, after 6 years of marriage. And by left – I mean changing the country, with no signs of life, no financial support, nothing. Not only he had left – I felt abandoned by all of my (our) friends who chose him. All I had was my little babygirl.
I live in Poland, where there’re no real benefits for single parents, no one cares if the child support is paid, and the unemployment rates are huge. So I lacked help in all the aspects of life. I felt like no one cared if we both died.
I went through all sorts of reliationships with men – most of them were not worth it.
I eventually earned a good job, bought a flat, made ends meet.
11 years passed. And when I thought I’ll be ok for my own, I met K. and found myself in love. We’re together for two years now and I feel like never before, I suppose he’s my other half. We have 4 children alltogether: my teenage girl, his adult daughter and a teenage son and a three months old, little girl.
But! I feel that I found this love, because I never gave up. After the first shock I was braced for life. And I was actively searching for a partner because I believe people need people. To hold, trust, love in a romantic way, but also for practical reasons, to know someone cares for me and my precious kids.
Lauren, you amazing woman you… Don’t give up on this aspect of life. You’re too wonderful a person to suffer lonliness while you can make someone so happy!
31 · Jen · 4 February 2013, 10:36
Please add me to the list of people you may email at any time! I have often been broadsided by life in matters of love such as being alone, being in a relationship, knowing when to walk away and learning to realize I’m worthwhile.
Someone as strong and lovely as you should not have to ever worry about finding love. Im Hoping you find the answers and support you are looking for!
32 · Jess Steers · 4 February 2013, 10:46
I think you should open yourself to the opportunity of a new relationship. As great as friends are, there is a special bond you have with someone who shares your bed and your life as a loving adult, something friendship just doesn’t quite cover. You need to look after yourself, so you can do the great work you do with your children. Who knows what the future may hold with David? The future doesn’t matter right now. It’ll be what it will be, when it happens, as it’s supposed to. But in the meantime if what you need is intimacy, then its worth having a whisper with the Universe to send the opportunity your way :)
33 · Dinithi · 4 February 2013, 14:34
Dear Lauren. I am so inspired by your strength and how you are holding yourself together and the mom you are being to your little girls. You are an amazingly resilient woman and you will meet someone who celebrates you!
34 · Bronwyn Farr · 4 February 2013, 16:26
You are always welcome to call and as I am on an unlimited plan, I can call back. I will message you my number. I am a single parent (of one wonderful child) and I can SO relate to what you are saying.
Keep shining, you inspire so many.
35 · Samantha · 4 February 2013, 19:43
Hi Lauren!
I keep up with your blog regularly (thank you for that :) ), but have taken a few days internet space as school starts for Small tomorrow. How I wish I had checked in sooner and seen this, as I saw you today, when my kids hung at the window of the car squealing with delight at the “awesome flower bus!”. I told them it was The Gifted Gypsy. It confirmed my motherhood status of ‘Mum knows’ :D and it didn’t even occur to them to disbelieve me.
I wanted to ask you to show me how to crochet those flowers! :D But I am tragically slow at yarn work… it would have taken you hours :) And I would have begged for more stories about the Canadian puppeteer.. how I wished I had seen him perform!
Had I read this. I could have told you in person, that yes. In a different way I know this feeling to an extent.
The lack, the gap, the waiting when you are unsure for what, or if, you should be waiting. To forgive?
I left my husband in Africa when Small was 1 and I was pregnant with Smaller, to return to Australia to give birth, as it turned out, alone. To be honest, I had never been alone before. Not this type of alone… Single and childless doesn’t seem to compare now. I was separated by distance within Africa whilst I prepared to depart, but it wasn’t like this. My friends were there. And their kids. He was intending to join me. Apparently.
I returned once briefly, as I couldn’t deal with him not having met his then 15mo child. We got stuck there, with kiddy illnesses and red tape. After having yet again too many safety concerns, and vast expenses, we (myself and the Smalls) managed to return.
I haven’t seen him since.
That was more than 2 years ago. I initially left in 2008.
We have contact… he tells me about his work issues and the impossibilities of Australian visas and asks about the Smalls briefly. He tells me how much we mean to him and weekly that he is coming soon…..
He provides no financial support and never has. He is frequently unavailable or just plain absent.
I have MS and one child who is particularly demanding.
He still isn’t rushing.
Ours is a complicated story, but the end result is, that I am alone with young children. Socialising, until recently, and certainly when Smaller was a baby and Small was, well, unable to be taken to the supermarket without causing me to have a near breakdown, has been very slim on the ground. Dating? Well no. Whilst no one in their right minds thinks I should be ‘waiting’ for my mate, the possibilities of a new horse are remote. He still needs what I have to give. The Smalls know nothing else. And I am too tired to even consider the possibilities of selection, even transitory, temporary, or just for conversation. I seriously wonder, whilst not an insecure person generally, really, what positives I can offer compared to the baggage in tow. Clearly I would like to argue my case with a worthy applicant, but … well. The chances of me baring my soul in that way are slim at best. And whilst I get criticism for not ‘moving on’ it isn’t even that. I need to be able to commit myself to a new person, fully, and if I cannot, even if I wanted to, then I am doing them an injustice
Sigh.
I have never been single, or celibate, this long. I don’t like it. Admitting it finally does, indeed, make me feel shallow :) I never thought I would miss partnership so badly, despite being content with myself and overjoyed with my kids (most of the time :D ).
Clayton’s single. The alone you are having when you aren’t really free.
I have no need to justify starting a new relationship.. not even to myself. I have every reason and need. I am just designed that way. We all are essentially.
I felt I should want to ‘find myself’, adjust, compensate, devote myself to my children. Really. But I do need something additional for myself as well. A smile, to be held at night, to trust. For someone to kiss me after a wearying day.
I am now in my 40s. I could waste time waiting for the Smalls, waiting for my husband, waiting for me. Because waiting is easier than action. But. When I AM ready, and best it not take too long as life is VERY short, I must take charge of my own destiny and take myself actively off the shelf and kiss a few frogs, without expecting perfection straight up.
Soon…. soon.
And surely I will know when the time is right? Rather than the emphasis being on hoping the person is right?
I hope you too will know that time if and when it arrives.
36 · Mary (Barnmaven) Peret · 5 February 2013, 06:20
We certainly lead different lives, but I can tell you from my own experience that however unlikely you think it might be that someone would find you attractive, it is possible. As a divorced mother of two special needs children in my mid-forties I considered myself to be largely unmarketable in the arena of dating. I looked at my crazy life — my kids and their issues and my house/barn full of various types of animals — and I was pretty sure I was a liability no one in their right mind would take on. Maybe that says more about my husband than me, because I did meet someone. We fell in love and we got married and so here in the middle of my years I find myself happy and loved and enjoying a wonderful partnership.
I know some people who are not “relationship people” and that seems to work out fine for them. I think that for people who are geared toward being in a relationships, though, being alone is a special kind of sad.
37 · Yeshe · 5 February 2013, 21:14
I have been celibate (by choice) for almost nine years and I can’t really tell you how I have come to be comfortable being alone but I think it comes down to my belief that only I can make myself truly happy. I really believe that while people can have a relationship filled with loving-kindness and respect, a lot of the time they are filled with unrealistic expectations and misery because I am thinking all my happiness has to come from outside. Relying only on others for my happiness means that I am never truly in charge of my own happiness.
I know that many people just can’t live on their own, my father has jumped from relationship to relationship because he can’t stand to be with himself. To me that shows that he doesn’t love himself enough to find a real source of happiness that comes from within.
I can’t imagine raising four girls on my own. I only have one, and one reason I have stayed celibate is because I didn’t want to lurch from one disastrous relationship to another (which was my pattern) and dragging my daughter along for the ride. But I can understand the safety and friendship that relationships bring to some people – particularly women.
Anyway, these are just my thoughts, I can’t imagine what you are experiencing and I do hope you know that you are connected to all beings, including me! So you are never really alone.
Much love xxo
38 · Jo · 6 February 2013, 10:21
I feel like we should be at polar ends of the spectrum, I am planted in one spot and in a relationship, am I content??? No!! In society more importance is such that you are either in a relationship or not, with disregard for the effect that it may have. Listen to your animal instincts Lauren, mine speak to me and I dont listen. Dont conform to love, confirm it! xoxoxo
39 · Sophia · 7 February 2013, 07:03
Sending you love, sweet woman.
40 · Lisa Wood · 7 February 2013, 11:14
Do what feels right within – and you will be where you need to be, with who you need to be with.
Sending you lots of love xx
41 · Mel · 8 February 2013, 12:44
Hello Lauren
I am maybe going to say something that won’t be appreciated (and doesn’t appear to have already been said), and not knowing me, I know you can’t even begin to know my heart – so let me preface my comment with this, I totally understand how mental illness messes with the head and I have nothing but a deep sense of compassion for your husband, and if you choose to stay with him, and I was a personal friend or family member I would 100% support you, but you have expressed doubt about the furture of your relationship and that is why I bring up the following points- please keep these things in mind as you read what I have to say.
If David came out of wherever he is tomorrow, do you really think you would have the same relationship? Do you really think you could truly trust him again? Will you always be worrying when his next episode will occur? Will you trust him with your children?
Yes, I know you have a marvellously forgiving heart, but I also know you are human – do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who you may never be able to fully trust?
Trust is the most important thing in any relationship – and if you can honestly say to yourself “I totally trust David” – then maybe accept this could be a temporary thing you are going through and stick it out, but if you can’t say this, then you’d need to explore your options.
In saying all that though, it hasn’t even been a year – and it is going to take time, and lots of it for you to learn to feel whole without a partner.
What if you did meet a wonderful new man tomorrow? Are you truly ready? How would your girls feel about some new man coming in and being close with their mother the way their father was? Are you prepared to separate yourself somewhat from your daughters to build a relationship with a new man?
In saying all of the above though, someone did make a point about David considering other women – I don’t know the nature of your relationship – but that would be a deal breaker for me. Was this an ongoing thing once you got back to Aus? Were there lots of conversations around this topic? What were the reasons for withdrawing your intimacy in the first place (that’s not for you to answer me, btw – I just mean ask yourself these questions) – was the relationship truly as good as you thought it was before his incarceration?
No one decent is going to think poorly of you if you move on, or stay with David – the only person you really need to convince of what the right thing to do is, is yourself.
I sincerely have not mean any offence by this comment, and I truly hope you can see that I am just suggesting you ask yourself the heavy questions and ponder over your answers.
42 · Nina · 8 February 2013, 17:22
Lauren,
I can only imagine how you would feel. I have no idea.
Personally for me, I feel it would come down to the commitment I made to my husband. I love him, I married him, I promised him in sickness or health I’d be there for him … Who am I to say what I would do in your situation, but I can only speak from this perspective now, that I would desperately hope the commitment I made when we married, was not made in vain.
Love and grace to you Lauren. May you find the answer in the One who knows them all.
Nina
43 · Jess · 9 February 2013, 19:37
Mel and Nina both raise excellent points to consider. Noone else can make this decision Lauren, but the best people to talk to would be David and God. I hope you find your way clearly.
44 · Julie · 10 February 2013, 01:03
Lauren, you have been through so much and you are so strong. I have never experienced the grief you must be feeling and then to have no one to talk too. Don’t put pressure on yourself, if something is meant to be it will happen. Any man would be lucky to have you and your gorgeous girls in his life. Give it time. I would be honoured to listen any time of the day or night. Stay strong.